One day John was walking Willy down the street, and suddenly John was attacked by Ninjas. John had to use his amazing Nerdfighter skills to fend off the horde of Ninjas, but Willy--the brave little pup that he is--could not just simply stand by and let his master fight alone.
Being only a pup--and a tiny pup indeed--he was soon overtaken by one of the fiercest of Ninjas; the Ninja delivered a Chuck Norris like back-kick to Willy, who gaurded himself with his leg. The force of the kick caused poor, poor Willy's leg to break :(
But the two protagonists were victorious. John successfully fended off the Ninjas and Willy actually did managed to bite one of them.
Tearfully, but gratefully, John brought wonderful Willy to the Puppy Hospital, where Willy's leg was bandaged up.
John, after liveing through the horrible experience of fighting off a group of master Ninjas, and after seeing how adorable Willy looked with a 'pegleg-esq' foot, vowed to forever love Pirates. At least they don't hurt dogs.
Well, unknown to John, Willy secretly runs a bakery under the guise of "Fredrick von Baker" because Baker is actually a last name. Willy thought it clever.
One morning, up at the crack of dawn as usual, Fredrick (or gentle readers, Willy, as we know him.) was cutting out a variety of pie crusts from freshly baked... pie crust.
WHEN SUDDENLY OUT OF TOTALLY NOWHERE HE WAS ATTACKED BY VICIOUS PIE DEVOURING PIRATES!
Willy surely feared for his life. Trembling, he asked the pirates if they would spare him if he would in return bake for them the most delicious pie he had ever created.
The pirates agreed.
Willy worked for hours, beads of sweat dripping down his cute little face (I'm aware dogs don't sweat. But let's suspend belief for a bit, shall we?).
Finally, the pie was complete. And the pirates so loved this pie, that they asked Willy if would mind joining their crew. (They were very polite pirates.) Willy was inclined to agree, but then thought of his loving master, and could not bear to leave him.
Willy shook his head, telling the pirates that he could hardly aid such a fine crew of VICIOUS PIE EATING PIRATES with a broken leg.
The crew looked at Willy quizzically, for they saw no broken leg.
In an act of bravery, determination, and slight stupidity, Willy broke his own leg on the spot.
Well, you see, it starts out like this: giraffe sex.
I know what you're thinkin'; you're thinkin': "hey, you, narrator, what the flippin' hay does giraffe sex have to do with a dog breakin' his leg?" Now just stop you're flappin' and listen for a second, kay?
It went down like this:
Willy and his, shall I say, associates we're meetin' the Cat's down by the zoo. Now, Willy was in some trouble with the head Puss because of a deal that went down that involved a banana peel, some tacks, an empty bucket of Jumbo popcorn, and orange soda (but lets not get side tracked, eh, that's another story). So anyways, Willy's meetin' up with the Cat's, fully anticipatin' a fight, but Willy's a lover, not a fighter--you know him--so this is somethin' he's lookin' to get out of.
It just so happens that the meeting place is right in front of the pen where they keep the giraffe.
I don't know what is was--perhaps the full moon; perhaps the zoo keepers added somethin' extra to the food; perhaps it was the music comin' from my Uncle's restaurant down the street--but the two giraffes were doin' some lovein', if you know what I mean.
So, Willy, being a smart guy, goes "Hey, yous guys, look at those griaffes. Whadda they doin'?"
And out of curiousity, everyone turns to the giraffe cage and looks. Willy then decides to make his escape move--but you know how fast Cats are, they're quick S.O.B.s, I still have a scar from the last time I got in a fight with one of them, I'd show you, but it's in a rather unappropiate place, if you catch my drift. Anyways, the Cat's are quick, and the head Puss takes a swipe at Willy, and misses. Whew, thank god for that, am I right?
So Willy's runnin' along, away from the Cats, and his good for nothin' associates are runnin' back home howlin' with their tails between their legs.
Willy, seeing no other option, dives into the river. As you know, the rivers full of rocks. He jumps into the river from a ten foot cliff--ten foot cliff--and SPLASH lands into the water. He also hits his foot on a rock.
Willy manages to swim out of the water and limp home.
Now if you'll excuse me, Willy asked me to take care of a couple of associates of his--if you know what I mean.
Little did the newspaper reports--and all who mocked--know how right Mr. Depp was.
The date: *sometime in* 2002
Place: A small room where auditions are taking place
Willy, as many as you may know, loves acting. It is his passion (aside from going for walks and looking like he’s going to pee, looking likes he’s going to pee, looking like he’s going to pee, and Oh!…No, he’s just laying down).
Willy originally tried out for the dog in Pirates of the Caribbean but was beat out. Willy was shocked, baffled, aghast! Who had beat him for the part? More importantly, how had they beat him for the part? Willy went to investigate. After “interviewing” the second assistant to the directors assistant, Willy learned of Johnny Depp’s scandalous action. It appeared Mr. Depp owed a favor to the dog who stole won the part of Pirates of the Caribbean dog.
Willy was infuriated with Mr. Depp, so he decided to enact revenge.
The date: September 13, 1994
Time: Earlier than 5:30 am…how about 4:30 am?
Place: Manhattan, NY
Willy sniffed under the door, smelling Mr. Depp and Kate Moss in the hotel room. He scratched at the door and gave his best pathetic, ‘come help me I’m hurt/cold/wet/hungry/lost’ whine. Mr. Depp and Kate Moss, hearing Willy’s whines, let Willy in, unaware of Willy’s true intentions.
Willy limped into the hotel room, feigning a broken leg.
“He looks like an armadillo.” Depp stated.
“He’s a dog, Johnny. What are you? Drunk?”
“I’m telling you, he’s an armadillo.”
Suddenly, Willy started to rush around the hotel room, flipping tables, braking lamps, smashing T.V.’s, messing up the beds, tipping over the ice bucket, ripping down the curtains, chewing on the note pads, and in general just enacting his revenge.
“That armadillo’s leg isn’t broken!” Depp yelled. He reached for Willy and threw him out the window. Upon landing, Willy’s leg broke.
Willy got up, slowly, carefully, and painfully, and then proceeded to limp all the way back to 2008. And that is how Willy broke his leg.
This story also shows that Mr. Depp did not lie about the armadillo, but was just rather confused (I wonder why? Hmmm).
Now, any observant reader may note that there was much time hopping in this story and may ask: but how could he be in 1994, and then in 2002, and then in 1994 and then in 2008?!