Feedback!

[Nicole Sherman]

I'm sure some of you have heard of NaNoWriMo (if you haven't, go here: http://www.nanowrimo.org/), which was where I managed to finally complete a piece of fiction after years of starting and abandoning projects.  Anyway, I have a REALLY rough draft on my hands, which I know needs a ton of work before it would remotely resemble something publishable.  To that end, I'd love to get some feedback on it.  Plot holes, weird sentences, characters that suck/aren't fleshed out, etc. 

I'm posting the story up, chapter by chapter, on fictionpress, so rather than repost it here, I'm just going to post the link.  Please take a some time to read and post comments (either on fictionpress or here in this thread).

Thanks in advance!

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3046901/1/This_Mortal_Coil

[God ~blogs admin ~]

I read the first thingy-ma-bob, and would give the rest a read if I had more time at the moment. But overall, the start seems a bit fast, the lad whose/who's/Idon'tknowI'mgrammaricallydislexic telling the story is a wee bit whiney. If this is a scene talking/describing an event in the past/future or the start. I feel more time should be spent on describing the fight. Thoughts are grand and all, but I just love me some descriptive writing.

Overall though, I likes it ^_^

[Nicole Sherman]

Thanks!  Haha, I never thought of it but I could see him being whiny :P  I am going to need to polish up my swordfighting skills to make that part a little more exciting :) 

Thank you so much for reading!

[God ~blogs admin ~]

To be fair, it's not so much as him being whiny, more the fact that we're being bombarded with his thoughts. It could be said of any character if we were getting their run down mentally. Now, one way to 'fix' - and I use fix very loosely, I could be wrong and in the minority here - is to show us these thoughts in action. For example, when the gun's mentioned. Have something descriptive describe him holding it, an internal battle of actually using the thing. But leave the reason why he doesn't out until we can see the relationship develop between the characters as for why he can't/wont use the weapon. Of course, I'm saying this assuming the character who got sliced didn't just die and be out of the picture.

If it were a short story, I could understand; you've a limited time to tell this story and develop the characters. But again, if it's a choice between showing and telling your read point blank, showing is always better. At least, in my own opinion. 

[Nicole Sherman]

That makes sense!  "Showing" over "telling" is something I've been working on, and characterization too, so it definitely helps to have someone else point out specific areas (and I love your suggestion too).  It's hard when you're too close to the work and the only people reading it are my friends and family who of course are all saying how great everything is lol.

[God ~blogs admin ~]

Well, I see you've put it up chapter per chapter. I'd say getting the book/story/whatever done first is the most important aspect, but if there's a lot of editing to be desired; that'll be a ton of work in itself. Get through, say. Six chapters, write down things you know you need to work on, then proof read the work you've done so far. If you can't rely on your pals and family to keep you write, knowing and 'fighting' the problem on your lonesome is the next best thing.

[Nicole Sherman]

It's actually finished (the first thing I've ever COMPLETED), I'm just putting it up a few chapters here and there on fictionpress in the hopes of feedback, but yeah going to start the rewrite a couple of chapters at a time. I'm thinking that changing things from the beginning is going to have repercussions further on down the line so I know it's going to be a lot of rewriting, but that's really what I'm trying to learn how to do - take a completed first draft and make it better :)

[God ~blogs admin ~]

Oh aye, if you fiddle with the start, the middle and end will need fiddled as well. The circle of lif-editing :P
Once I've the time, I'll give the rest a read, bit floored at the moment with all me reading material though xD

[Nicole Sherman]

No worries, you've already given me some good advice!  Definitely no hurry, I'm still finishing up last year's NaNo and gearing up for this year O.o

[God ~blogs admin ~]