sometimes one way sometimes the other. sometimes i feel like if i dissapeared no one would notice.
but i hope people would. :)
i think its mine too...Its something that doesnt sound fun. :P
I used to feel this way, when I was younger. Then again when I was far away from my family in college, and I'd just left someone who was hurting me and it seemed like no one saw or cared. When I came back I was faced with the reality of a lot of shit I didn't ever want to deal with, but I think it taught me enough stuff that this feeling went away. What with my mom's sickness, my baby sister's father's death, and my stepmother's dad's death, I guess I really do know now that it's impossible for what your saying to be true. Someone can push themselves to the very edge of their home and society and disapearing will still tear it up and apart, and leave everyone else with the stuff to put back together.
I think it's normal at some point to think that if you were to be gone, no one would notice. It's normal to have that be your greatest fear, and then eventually there's this turning point that happens to everyone where that fear shifts into "If I were to end up gone, I would cause so much pain." Every death and disapearence reaps destruction larger than what was there before. Whenever I'm particularly sad, this is the thing that makes me push away any of my old familiar thoughts of killing myself or something. Well, this and the fact that everything changes and things will get better and make this part of my life worth it. Whenever I'm sad I just think about the future. Not the big things in the future that feel like they might never happen. I mean, I'd love to get a book published, but thinking about it when sad just stresses me out.
I tend to think about the little things in the future that I know I can have if I want them. I think about having cats and dogs, having babies, marrying a handsome man or a pretty lady, settling down and building the same type of close-knit family my mom built for all of us. I try to think about how the things I enjoy now could be made into the larger things of my future. Like how I love climbing trees, so a lot of the time, I think how it is totally possible for me to find a place to live surrounded by them, where I can sit and rock on the front porch at night and actually taste the water and oxygen in the air. When I'm lonely I think about how I know that I can find someone who can be just-mine again, because with everybody in the world at once looking for just that, it's inevitable that someone would end up looking for me.
Sometimes it's enough just to think about that. I hope you feel better, and remember that this? Feeling really horrible and alone? This is just right now, a single moment in time, and you will have many, many other moments of time that make it worth it. Because you have a some good life ahead of you, and lots of people love you and will love you in the future.