Nerdfighters

I just need a little reassurance or support or something.

I can't go into all the crazy history because there's too much of it but pretty much..

I'm in love with this guy. I met him a little over a year ago at my college and he initally was just trying to sleep with me but then when I found that out and put an end to it, he became my best friend. We've grown incredibly close over this amount of time which ultimately led me to fall in love with him. He didn't know until just recently when his roommate somehow got me to tell him about my love for this guy. Then the roommate helped me to get worked up enough to tell this guy. And the guy took it very well and said he wasn't quite sure how he felt about me in that regard but that we had potential to be something down to line, however, I should go for someone if I want to.

So, finally feeling somewhat free of all these emotions, I went to a party that the roommates of this guy threw last night. And wanting to try to move on from him, because I thought that was what he wanted, I talked with one guy, then was talking with this roommate that had helped me to tell this guy that I loved him. The thing is, this guy that I still love was there at the party, when I had thought he wouldn't be. I didn't want him to see me with other guys, but if he wanted me to move on I was going to try to. So figuring he just wanted to meet girls, I didn't talk to him other than to quickly say hi, then hung out with his roommate the rest of the night, whom I drifted towards because I felt I could trust him to keep me from making a fool of myself.

So we were drinking and me and this roommate were hanging out with some other people in his roommate. And stupidly I let the roommate start kissing me, which led to slightly more than that. But it didn't go that far. And I left this morning.

I went on facebook because I had a feeling something was wrong between me and the guy I love because he pretty much went in his room and stayed there about a half an hour into me being at the party. Facebook status said he was disappointed in people and missed his close friends. I text him, saying I wanted to talk to him but I thought he probably didn't want to talk to me, because I wanted to tell him what I had realized. I really do have no feelings for his roommate, nor could I have feelings for anyone else but this guy I loved for a very long time. And I get a call from this guy saying he wanted to meet to talk, and to bring this book he had lent me. Which told me, because he hates for other people to borrow his things, that he was going to end us. I realized how stupid I was in the morning, but I realized that I had probably screwed up really big time this time.

SO I cried the whole to meeting him. And he basically told me that he didn't think a friend would treat him like that, ignoring him all night long. But I thought he wanted to meet people, and I didn't want to get in the way of that. I didn't want to seem like I was hanging all over him, because he knew how I felt by that point. I wanted to let him be free too. But then I stupidly let his roommate take advantage of me. So I basically pleaded with him and tried to make him understand that I realized how stupid I was and how I didn't know how I could make such a stupid mistake. I can't live without him in my life. I can't deal with this other than to do what I've been doing, which is to write him letters. We sort of worked something out where I'm going to try and figure out who I really am, since clearly I've not been myself lately. And he's going to see if he can forgive me. Because he was completely ready to never see me again. If I hadn't texted him he said he was going to send me an email and that would have been it.

I need him. I can't think about life without him or I can't function. I'm having trouble trying to keep myself out of falling to a state of intense depression. I just need to tell someone but I don't think anyone in my life would understand. I don't even know who I can trust anymore.

Please, I'd really just appreciate someone to hear me and talk to me.

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Hmm... let me see if i have this correct...

You had feelings for a guy and told him, but he was unsure about it.  You gave him some space and went to a party at his place that his roommates were throwing.  When he showed up (why would you not expect him to show up at a party if he lives there?) you ignored him, and even made out with (and spent the night with) one of his roommates.

... And you're suprised that he doesn't want to be a friend anymore? I'm not suprised, because I would do react the same way.

Wow. That's intense. One piece of advice I have is to not blame everything on yourself. I know it's hard, because I do it all the time. I'm not saying that none of what happened falls on you. From what I read in your original post, there was confusion as to what you both wanted for each other. My advice is to just give him some time, and let him know that you do still want to be friends. And if you do ever want to talk to him about what happened, try to gather your thoughts before you call/text him. There have been many times when I've tried to explain something to someone when I was really upset, and it just made everything that much worse. Don't pin all the blame on yourself, and try to stay strong. It is tough, I'll grant you that. Just try to keep yourself occupied with things that make you happy. Go see a movie, or read your favorite book, or have a girl's night out, or whatever you think would be fun. And if you just want someone to listen, I'll be here. As someone who struggled with it for almost 5 years, I know from experience that depression really sucks. So if you ever need a friend, just let me know. :) 

This sounds like whatever you and your friend do, you feel damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

The cause: Poor communication. Everyone seems to be making assumptions about each other.

All of you need to be clearer about what your expectations are. Your best friend/love interest needs to recognise that you aren't there to wait on him hand and foot just because you're in love with him.  You need to recognise that even if he's looking to pick up, that doesn't mean he doesn't want to hang out with you.  And this room-mate?  He needs to learn that he shouldn't be going after emotionally needy people - and you need to learn that just because he's kissing you, it doesn't mean you have to kiss back. 

Hopefully your best mate has caught on that this was just a misunderstanding by now, and you've all moved on from it, and learned not to assume things so much.

Not trying to be a cow about this but assumptions seem to lead to communication breakdowns, which lead to "indiscretions", which lead to conflict.  You've pretty much just described what a lot of college age people go through, and get over eventually.  So you'll be fine, even though it hurt heaps at the time of writing it.

Bump. (Spambots invaded.)
I wish I knew how to help or what advice to give, but I'm terrible with relationships. However, if you ever do just need someone to listen, feel free to shoot me a message! I really hope everything works out! 

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