is age really nothing but a number?

[wondergirl.]

so i just found out that my friend janine* has been dating this man named chris* for about three months now. this wouldn't be so disturbing if she weren't 14 and he weren't 19.
i mean, that's a really big difference when you think about how much a person matures within those years.
she also, apparently, just broke up with him.
i find this to be a relief, but she's upset about it.

so my questions are-
does anyone else find the issues with this age gap?
how much older is TOO old?
why do you see the risk in it?

i'd love to hear your opinions.
dftba.
*names have been changed.

-on a side note, two more of my 14 year old freshman friends have 19 year old boyfriends that have already graduated. why do i hang out with such naieve people? honestly...

[IzzyH]

I don't really know.It's like in a film (Big Fish,I think) a girl said 'You're 16,and I'm 6,so when you're 26 I'll be 16,and when you're 36 I'll be 26.'ect,and the boy she was talking to said 'There isn't much diffrence then.' and then something about her being good at maths.
Anywho,what I'm saying is,it changes as you get older,but I don't see why it should be diffrent.My mum and dad are 12 years apart,but (I think,I could be wrong) theve known each other since she was about 13,when they were penpals.

[Chris]

Well... My name is chris and I'm 19 so i think i can relate to this story. If i ever dated a janine then i would really be freaking out...

Anyways, like IzzyH said: age gets less relevant with time, and as we get older age gaps get shorter. I once dated someone who was a freshman in high school when i was a senior, so it's close to this scenario. The fact is, with matters of love and whatnot there simply are no set-in-stone rules. People cannot help having feelings for other people, but at an early age these feelings may be mistaken for love when in reality it's just teenage antics.

My relationship with previously mentioned female didn't last too long because we didnt have that connection, not because of age. It's all about the person.

[Mark Todd]

Becky, I think he just had a mistake in word choice. I think he may have been going for puppy love and even that is a precarious choice. It isn't a lack of faith, its simply based on empirical data. When I was in high school, none of my relationships never lasted more than a few months. I was (am) an idiot and would say/do the wrong thing. Sure, one of my friends had and still has a lasting 2.5 year relationship with a guy. However, most high school crushes (and middle school for some of you lucky ducks) are really more about learning to handle being with another, trusting, dealing with emotions, becoming reliant.

But that phase of life also involves a hell of a lot of learning elsewhere, from interests to hobbies to abilities to math/science/history (sigh). To expect to find someone you connected with and loved at 15 to be the same type of person you love when you are 18 is almost risible. We all grow up on different experiences and even if you were to stay right by each other's sides for four years, the way you experience each of those experience will be completely different and affect the two of you in completely different ways.

It has nothing to do with faith Becky. Think psychologically. From our basic understanding of the brain, most of its development happens during our pubescent years. Guess when that is :)

[Kenny]

I don't really see the big deal. I've known 14 year olds who were infinitely more mature than my college buddies. I think that as long as she's informed and knows all of the risks and consequences then it's really her decision and she shouldn't be judged for it.

[Alex Dauncey]

I agree, to me, age doesn't matter, maturity does. though age and maturity usually progress together, they are not the same.

[sabelmouse]

people mature at different ages. if he was 40 i would be worried.

[BSmith]

xkcd speaks the truth about the creepy range

[Chris E]

I was going to, had someone not.

[Lenore103]

It really depends on (1) the maturity level of the people involved and (2) What the people are looking for in a relationship.

My friend dated a man who was 36 when she was 19. But she's really wise and mature for her age, and was actually looking to settle down as soon as she could so it was alright for her to date an older man who was also mature and looking to settle down. It didn't work out, but that wasn't because of the age difference it was because he works for the government and had to travel to high-risk areas in the middle east and couldn't take her with him.

Though I'm guessing that if your friends are dating 19 year olds, their boyfriends are still young and immature themselves and don't have their best interests at heart. At 14 and 19, five years is a big difference. As they grow older, the age difference seems less but right now it's probably not a good idea.

[wondergirl.]

this was exactly my thinking.
five years really isn't that big of an age difference past the years of development.
but 14 and 19 is huge.
different people have different levels of maturity, but any 19 year old man who thinks being with a young girl is acceptable is too immature to even be in a relationship, i think.

[Amerah]

I've heard when the people are both over eighteen then it doesn't usually matter.

[Frances]

I think the younger you are, the bigger the gap feels. It may seem like a big gap between 14 and 19, but between 44 and 49 dosen't seem like such a big difference. I think that, once you are both adults and have the same maturity level, a bit of an age gap dosen't matter so much. But when one of you is an adult, and the other is still a child, it is a bit concerning.