Love and marriage!

[Eystein,]

Okey, this doesn't really have anything to do with marriage, but partnership in general, so I want to talk about monogamy, because are we really that,  monogamous?

 

I can't say for myself that I sleep much around, but statistics say that most of us will at least have one little "adventure" during our lives as husbands and wives. And it's not just us guys...

 

I mean, if you have a home and a family, that you love, but there is this other person at work, with which you suddenly have chemistry with... So you sneak out together for a little nooner... Just for fun, nothing else... Then what's really the big deal? (As long as we avoid starting new families and all those complications...)

 

I love the idea of growing old and raise a family together with someone, and be with this person through thick and thin, but I don't understand why sex must be exclusive to that person. I'm not sure I would be able to resist the temptation, or feel that it would matter... But maybe if I find the right one, I will, and then be hypocritical about it. I recognize that most people get very hurt by this, so what I'm wondering: Is this the natural and necessary reaction, or does it rise from an irrational repression of our polymorous nature due to our culturally constructed expectations being broken? Or something like that...

 

I recognize that the fear of being left by the other would be significant, but if the relationship would otherwise be fine, why would that happen? Nowadays people get caught, and they brake up. Still people sleep around... Why not just accept it? I might be a little bit inspired by Mad Men, and I think Don and Betty would have had a much happier relationship, if people could have their flings and still be friends.

 

Well, enough of this perversion =P What do you think?

 

 

 

[Eystein,]

Not an acctual accidental, more like submitting to the heat of the moment, if it were to happen in a time or place where it wouldn't conflict with your acctual relationship...

If it's one girl multiple times, then the chances are that there are more than just surface emotions involved, so the acctual partner would need to know more about the acctual circumstances. They would need to know more about your history together and what level of interest you have in that other one... It would require much more leniency, as it much more resembles a true polyamorous relationship.

It would at least help me to know that even though the guy is a total ass (in her opinion), he's useful to her in that manner... If I could be confident that she wouldn't acctually seak him out, I wouldn't spend much time worrying about whether ot not they accidentally bumb into each other...

[Laura]

I must admit, I agree with you because sometimes I wonder if we people make sex a really complex thing when it's something natural and maybe it shouldn't be so complicated. But then I imagine my imaginary husband whom I deeply love cheating on me and I would feel horrible. So, I wouldn't do that to him. Plus, I would feel guilty if I didn't tell him.
So, I'm not really sure if wanting to be exlcusive is something natural, but I believe that if you're in love you just want to be with that one person and don't feel the need to have sex with other people .. but that's just my unexperienced opinion :P

[maria hamilton]

I think that our preconceived notion that cheating is not okay is because the western world is primarily Christian and the Bible teaches that adultery is wrong. But in many indigenous communities, sex is not that big of a deal... It shouldn't be so complicated, but often we attach emotions because of the media stereotype that sex is supposed to be some "magical" romantic thing!

[Eystein,]

I think you're on to something, it has definatily played it's part, but it was in place long before the church. But I think it has been necessary with such strict controll and fear propaganda, in order to prevent too many unwanted children. But then again, if european societies had been polyamorous, then we probably wouldn't mind caring for stray kids in the first place anyway...

But then again, humans are really too fertile for our own good, so even if we had been okey with joint care for each and everyone's children, then there might still soon become so many children that the whole society would collapse...

[maria hamilton]

yes, but now we have birth control, so sex does not have to equal reproduction! but the idea that adultery is bad could have been God's own method of birth control... just like a lot of the kosher rules about what to eat are really just about disease prevention!

[Eystein,]

I don't think it is unnatural not wanting to be as sharing in the beginning, because you're then more insecure, and love should definatily play the greatest role. Pluss there is enough exitement and anticipation, but I find myself thinking ten years, twenty years a head, and those tingeling feelings can't possibly remain the same can they?

I believe that if you're in love you just want to be with that one person and don't feel the need to have sex with other people .. but that's just my unexperienced opinion :P

You and me both, but I don't believe that sex and love is necessarily intertwined in that manner. But I don't know either... It's just a hunch...

[Incredible India]

Polygamy and monogamy are ways that one lives their life. Monogamy is the more socially accepted of the two yes, but when it comes down to it it is your own personal choice. If you have a marriage partner who is either a polygamist also, or is aware and accepting of ones choices to practice polygamy, then having 'flings' is completely fair and justified. But if you are in a long term relationship or marriage and you go behind a partners back and have an affair, or multiple affairs, that is unacceptable. There is not one blanket answer to this question, as the beliefs of separate couples vary. But in order for a trusting and fulfilling relationship, I think that one must be aware of the choices of their partner, i.e. whether or not they find polygamy an acceptable practice.

[Incredible India]

oh an now I feel like an idiot 'coz someone said like, the exact some thing as me already... Sorry!

[Eystein,]

No need to apologize, my attention span is kind of short, so I can't remember if someone's already said somewhat the same things. At least you've been willing to take a step back and think for a bit... :)

But if you are in a long term relationship or marriage and you go behind a partners back and have an affair, or multiple affairs, that is unacceptable.

I agree on the dishonesty part, but I still don't understand why it's still such an unconditional term to begin with, for most people.

I also concider affairs to be much more problematic, than occational slips... Unless it's just some tool the couple can laugh about together... (I don't know if that would be possible, but I imagine that it could...)

And I think that if a relationship is good, then people ain't generally so horny that they would activily persue this anyway... So generally I feel that it shouldn't have to be such a big deal.

[AlexTheNerdyOne]

I am fine with the idea of a non-monogamous relationship, I think the most important thing is honesty though. I have absolutely no problem with a married couple who agree to eachother seeing other people on the side, I only have a problem with it if one person does it without first discussing it with the other. I am really against cheating but I also think any form of lying in a relationship is wrong.

[Ray Dansinger]

in my english class we're talking about family structures and the means of familiy right now. today, we read a text about a tribe in, i think, new guinea where before a husband and his wife can have sex with eachother she has to get pregnant by a friend of her father in law... and there are still many countries where a man can have 2 or even more wives and somehow it works.

i think in order to have such an open relationship you have to be able to trust your partner completly, but who is able to really share everything with someone else? you would have to share all your insecurities, all your believes (even if they aren't what society expects you to believe), your fantasies- and you would be total vulnerable to the other person.

and also, it's one thing to talk about something theoretically and a total other thing to experience it. for example: you can't control jealousy - so let's say you and your boyfriend/girlfriend say it's alright to have flings with others and then he/she tells you about it and all of a sudden your really jealous. you kind of would feel betrayed even though you said it was all right. i think thats the main reason why everybody is so scared of having sex with others while you are in a relationship because everyone is different and you will never know if the other is really ok with it.

[Eystein,]

...it's one thing to talk about something theoretically and a total other thing to experience it.

This is very true, and I have yet to experience this, so I have already talked a little bit about that. I think that if this wouldn't work for me, then that's alright too. And think grownups shouldn't be afraid talking about this, and everyone must remember that people change, and that it's alright to change one's mind. I'm willing to test at least, if I'm able to, as I'm not willing to just automatically accept monogamy as the perfect form of partnership. I'm not convinced, but it is one of the more appealing ones to me though. I'll give it that.

and there are still many countries where a man can have 2 or even more wives and somehow it works.

I wouldn't say many, and they are usually some dusty backwater places. And even still, there; men are supposed to have many wives, and the wives supposed to be his faithful subordinates. That won't work. I'm not in favor of that...

a tribe in, i think, new guinea where before a husband and his wife can have sex with eachother she has to get pregnant by a friend of her father in law

I sure ain't a cultural reletivist, it seems.., because I'm disgusted by this. I hate how tradition dictates how people should behave in such fundamental ways. To be subjugated to some imo stupid tradition like that. Of course it's impossible, and unnecessary, to rid oneself of all cultural influence though...