Marriage

[Midnight]

I'm sure many of you have heard about the divorce rate for marriages being about 50% in the US. That got me thinking... What makes a marriage work? Can any two people, no matter how different or alike, stay together if they really tried? And also, what are your thoughts when you hear this statistic? Does it make sense? Shock you?

Let me know your thoughts. I'm interested on hearing them.

[secret aunt sandi - dftya]

"Would it be selfish if one of the people in the relationship is abusive (physically and/or psychologically- it doesn't make a difference to me)?"
do you not agree that the abuse is caused by selfishness? do tolerant people abuse? a generalization, yes, but do you disagree?

"What if one of them is flippant in how they treat the other, to the point that they disregard the feelings and opinion of their partner and just do whatever they want (and this could be anything from making what should probably be joint decisions on their own to being adulterous)? "
would anyone other than a selfish individual every consider being flippant in how they treat another? would a tolerant person disregard the feelings and opinions of another?

how can selfishness not be the underlying cause?

did you assume i meant the selfishness was solely centered on the person who signs the divorce paper first?

[Gabrielle]

did you assume i meant the selfishness was solely centered on the person who signs the divorce paper first?

Yes. And I think everybody else did, too. Hence why Decepticon went after you so viscerally. Your word choice made it sound like if someone decides to get a divorce, no matter what the circumstances, they're being a selfish asshole. You made no distinction between a person's selfishness causing the other to decide to get out of that situation versus someone wanting to get out because they are selfish.

So yes, selfishness is, often, the underlying cause, but again, who the selfish party is varies from situation to situation- and again, you made no distinction in your original statement.

BUT, I still don't think selfishness IS ALWAYS the underlying cause. Some people just don't realize they are incompatible until later, and incompatibility doesn't necessarily come from selfishness. Also, again, I don't think it's selfish to want to protect one's children from a negative environment or abusive spouse.

As such, I don't really think I need to elaborate on the rest of your questions, because they come from misinterpretation. Although I don't appreciate how you seem to be making it sound like I'd condone abuse or flippancy with the rhetorical tone you took, it's not worth beating a dead horse.

[secret aunt sandi - dftya]

sorry

[Gabrielle]

Nonono, it's alright. I'd just be more cautious in how I word myself in the future.

:)

[Holly Johnson]

One thing that my husband and I did was live together for four years before we got married. In a way, it was a test for us to see if we could stand living together. Plus, with so many years we were together, there weren't many "changes" after we got married. (Which one thing he heard a lot before we tied the knot was "Dude, she's gonna change after she gets that ring on her finger.") From what I have seen and this isn't really a statistic, but I wouldn't be surprised if I am correct, couples that rush into a marriage tend to not last as long.

[Übereil]

"From what I have seen and this isn't really a statistic, but I wouldn't be surprised if I am correct, couples that rush into a marriage tend to not last as long."

That's true. Partly because it's too early to see if you can acually live together, partly because the first wave of love you feel only lasts a maximum of five years. So marrying based on that first wave is risky indeed.

[asano_man]

Hm.

I've never really liked the thought of marriage. I mean, when you get right down to it, it's really the least romantic thing you can do. I mean, really, when you think about it, all you're doing is putting a leash on the other in the form of a contract saying "If you leave, I'm taking your stuph." I don't think that's romantic. Do you?

[Trebor]

Self-fulfilling prophecy.

If that's what you think marriage is, then that's what it will be if you ever get married.

[asano_man]

Blegh. I'm probably going to end up getting married. I'm going to tell myself that I'm not going to get married, that marriage is evil, that it is best forgotten, then I'm going to get married and forget all about that.


Don't get me wrong. I've never seen myself as the unloyal type (I'm a bit of a romantic and like the fairy tale ending, despite myself) and I doubt (or at least hope) that whomever I marry is the same way, so I doubt our marriage would go sour. I just don't like the whole thought of marriage is all.

[Gabrielle]

Is it the labeling aspect that bothers you?

[asano_man]

Something like that, but not really. I kind of know what you mean, I think. I skimmed your post (haven't read it yet, sorry. I'll read it tomorrow, though, for sure) and I saw the "civil union" thing, and I kind of agree with that. But that's only because of the legal aspect of the whole thing.

I think that's what I hate most about it. Just how corporate it is. If it were all symbolism (the rings, the ceremony, the titles) with none of this contract-like stuph, I'd be fine with it being called "marriage." But, you know... it's not. :/ And I really want no part of that.

[Gabrielle]

Heh, go to bed.