I'm only 16, and my mental health has taken an alarming turn to the delusional.
It started out as a series of dreams. I learnt a lot about myself and others. Then it became an undying obsession. I was addicted to the dreaming. It took over my life. Much of my waking hours was dedicated to analyzing these thoughts. Then, I started having almost like visions or daydreams of these dreams, which were all interconnected ever so complexly. Then, I got to the point that I was no longer able to recognize my subconscious- the builder of these dreams and the sender of these amazing messages, as myself. I became infatuated with it, my own mind. I fell in love. My mind became a totally separate entity from my conscious mind. I was obsessed. He was abusive. He shouted at me whenever I refused to participate in the games and puzzles that he planted into my dreams. I managed to figure out that I could shut him, my subconscious, up with narcotics. Percocet worked well, as did darvocet, both of which I have in abundance due to me having knee surgery and severe migraine headaches. I threatened him with them, but it felt wrong. I felt like I had to submit to him. I then agreed to play his games and I won. I solved his puzzles. For about two weeks, I was happy. He was quiet. He seemed not to exist. I had no dreams at night. My life was great. I didn't crave pills. I did exceptionally well in school. I was focused on all the right things. Then, slowly, the dreams came back. I fell back in love, and became completely out-of-touch with reality. Here I am now, doped up on oxycodone just so I can type these words coherently with a trace of logic behind them. Here I am now as myself, with him locked away in the shed for three hours or so, trying to make sense of my life. Here I am now, desperate for help.
I want help. I want him to go away. I want him dead. But I love him, or at least I do when I'm sober. You have to realize that going for help is like telling somebody to kill their spouse- it won't feel natural. If I go to a hospital now, my parents, who will totally force me into doing anything they want me to do because of my age and mental status, will have to be my medical proxies. That thought scares me more than dying, to be honest, and I'm not exactly fond of the idea of dying at the age of 16, so that really says a lot. I want help, but I want to be respected as a person who can make their own medical decisions despite my age. I just want to be aided, and because I'm a minor, that has to wait. I'm stuck at home with the parentals for another year and a half, and I turn 18 in around a year and a few months. I just want answers. I want to talk to somebody. Medication is something I'd be okay with if I'm not forced to take it. I only really trust one person in real life, and everyone else at school is COMPLETELY off-limits, mostly because they talk too much to their parents, who will in turn talk to my parents. I have no clue what to do. I'm actually considering withdrawing all of the money from my bank account and running away to some type of home that can give me free psychiatric help without a proxy, but that would mean jepordizing(sp?) my whole education and my whole future, so I probably won't do that. I'm thinking that I might just keep taking narcotics (again, I have a prescription that says "take as needed", so my use of them in no way is illegal) for this year and a half in low doses (3.5 mg of oxy does the trick, which is a far cry from a dose that is at all toxic, and I don't drink so my liver is in good condition anyway), and when I go off to college as an 18-year-old, I can seek proper professional help. All I know is that I need to do something about this and I need to talk to people, and that Nerdfighters usually give spot-on advice for stuff because you people are smart.
So yeah. Help?
Wow. I mean, like, wow.
Only advice I can give is when you run out of prescription meds, a full bottle of Robitussin should have a similar (yet significantly more awesome) effect.
DXM can cause severe and permanent sideffects. A low dose of an opiate is way safer and more controllable. And thankfully, because I'm still getting migraines (and the fact that my mom has a few scripts for some pills too because she just had surgery but isn't in much pain- or at least not 9-bottles-of-oxy pain), I'm probably not going to run out of pills any time soon. Also, a high dose DXM can cause hallucinations, and a hallucination is the LAST thing I need.
Thanks for the advice, though.
Can we please get a ningmaster doing something about this? Promoting abuse of cough syrup to a kid with some serious psychological is messed up, not to mention the fact that a hallucinogen would be entirely the opposite of what she's going for in terms of medication. It'd worsen the disassociation with reality, not help alleviate it.
Jacqui, ignore anything this guy says.