I'm only 16, and my mental health has taken an alarming turn to the delusional.
It started out as a series of dreams. I learnt a lot about myself and others. Then it became an undying obsession. I was addicted to the dreaming. It took over my life. Much of my waking hours was dedicated to analyzing these thoughts. Then, I started having almost like visions or daydreams of these dreams, which were all interconnected ever so complexly. Then, I got to the point that I was no longer able to recognize my subconscious- the builder of these dreams and the sender of these amazing messages, as myself. I became infatuated with it, my own mind. I fell in love. My mind became a totally separate entity from my conscious mind. I was obsessed. He was abusive. He shouted at me whenever I refused to participate in the games and puzzles that he planted into my dreams. I managed to figure out that I could shut him, my subconscious, up with narcotics. Percocet worked well, as did darvocet, both of which I have in abundance due to me having knee surgery and severe migraine headaches. I threatened him with them, but it felt wrong. I felt like I had to submit to him. I then agreed to play his games and I won. I solved his puzzles. For about two weeks, I was happy. He was quiet. He seemed not to exist. I had no dreams at night. My life was great. I didn't crave pills. I did exceptionally well in school. I was focused on all the right things. Then, slowly, the dreams came back. I fell back in love, and became completely out-of-touch with reality. Here I am now, doped up on oxycodone just so I can type these words coherently with a trace of logic behind them. Here I am now as myself, with him locked away in the shed for three hours or so, trying to make sense of my life. Here I am now, desperate for help.
I want help. I want him to go away. I want him dead. But I love him, or at least I do when I'm sober. You have to realize that going for help is like telling somebody to kill their spouse- it won't feel natural. If I go to a hospital now, my parents, who will totally force me into doing anything they want me to do because of my age and mental status, will have to be my medical proxies. That thought scares me more than dying, to be honest, and I'm not exactly fond of the idea of dying at the age of 16, so that really says a lot. I want help, but I want to be respected as a person who can make their own medical decisions despite my age. I just want to be aided, and because I'm a minor, that has to wait. I'm stuck at home with the parentals for another year and a half, and I turn 18 in around a year and a few months. I just want answers. I want to talk to somebody. Medication is something I'd be okay with if I'm not forced to take it. I only really trust one person in real life, and everyone else at school is COMPLETELY off-limits, mostly because they talk too much to their parents, who will in turn talk to my parents. I have no clue what to do. I'm actually considering withdrawing all of the money from my bank account and running away to some type of home that can give me free psychiatric help without a proxy, but that would mean jepordizing(sp?) my whole education and my whole future, so I probably won't do that. I'm thinking that I might just keep taking narcotics (again, I have a prescription that says "take as needed", so my use of them in no way is illegal) for this year and a half in low doses (3.5 mg of oxy does the trick, which is a far cry from a dose that is at all toxic, and I don't drink so my liver is in good condition anyway), and when I go off to college as an 18-year-old, I can seek proper professional help. All I know is that I need to do something about this and I need to talk to people, and that Nerdfighters usually give spot-on advice for stuff because you people are smart.
So yeah. Help?
get some pills to help you sleep at night. Prescription would be the best maybe oxy if thats what your doctor thinks is the best. You should maybe even talk to a thearpist. JUst someone who knows what they are doing
I would advise against oxy, or any narcontic opiate for that matter.
At small doses they might serve a purpose, but eventually your body will grow used to the effect, resulting in higher doses needed. Narcotics are also severely addictive (A family member recently went to rehab for narcotics dependents). Talk to your doctor about Ambien, or other sleeping medications, these will probably help you more. As far as getting help, doctor patient confidentiality is observed in almost every area of the USA, your phycologist would be forbidden from divulging information to your parents against your will, unless you are planning on committing a crime. In any case, help is needed. Psycological sicknesses are the most ignored serious illnesses in the world: if you were suffering from a broken bone, you would go to a doctor. Why would you be hesitant to get help for a sickness that is equally as inescapable, and equally as unpleasant and dangerous? In a perfect world, sickness would not be seen as a sign of weakness, and the first step to creating this world would be to admit it ourselves.
Hope that helps, and good luck.
Alright, I really know what you're going through. It might sound a bit strange, but something like that happened to me.
Realize, your love could be a creation from your own mind. Maybe it's not, maybe it is. If it is your own imagination, then create some-one else who beats him. A kind person, protecting you from the bad influence your lover has. It worked with me. I hope it does the same to you. I'm sorry if it doesn't.
I dont know anything about physcology, or pharmacuticals.
But I want you to know. I care. :)
i don't think it is a good idea to neglect or ignore this issue until you turn eighteen. i understand your concern at how this will affect your future. however, this could seriously hurt you, or cause you to hurt yourself.
i would highly recommend talking to someone, anyone about it ASAP, even if you feel like you need to call the suicide hotline, or your local therapeutic hotline, just talk to someone.
also, if you ever start wanting to hurt yourself, even a little bit, call the suicide hotline or 911.
because even if you don't want to risk your future by being hospitalized, it's better to commit yourself than to not have a future at all. and by the way, when you turn eighteen, one you commit yourself to a hospital, they are in charge of you, and you cannot check yourself out. they become something akin to your legal guardians. ideally, the best time to check yourself in would be sometime between high school graduation and your freshman year of college. even if you need to take a year off to spend time feeling better.
i hope you do well, and contact me anytime :]
much love, and DFTBA <3