I'm only 16, and my mental health has taken an alarming turn to the delusional.
It started out as a series of dreams. I learnt a lot about myself and others. Then it became an undying obsession. I was addicted to the dreaming. It took over my life. Much of my waking hours was dedicated to analyzing these thoughts. Then, I started having almost like visions or daydreams of these dreams, which were all interconnected ever so complexly. Then, I got to the point that I was no longer able to recognize my subconscious- the builder of these dreams and the sender of these amazing messages, as myself. I became infatuated with it, my own mind. I fell in love. My mind became a totally separate entity from my conscious mind. I was obsessed. He was abusive. He shouted at me whenever I refused to participate in the games and puzzles that he planted into my dreams. I managed to figure out that I could shut him, my subconscious, up with narcotics. Percocet worked well, as did darvocet, both of which I have in abundance due to me having knee surgery and severe migraine headaches. I threatened him with them, but it felt wrong. I felt like I had to submit to him. I then agreed to play his games and I won. I solved his puzzles. For about two weeks, I was happy. He was quiet. He seemed not to exist. I had no dreams at night. My life was great. I didn't crave pills. I did exceptionally well in school. I was focused on all the right things. Then, slowly, the dreams came back. I fell back in love, and became completely out-of-touch with reality. Here I am now, doped up on oxycodone just so I can type these words coherently with a trace of logic behind them. Here I am now as myself, with him locked away in the shed for three hours or so, trying to make sense of my life. Here I am now, desperate for help.
I want help. I want him to go away. I want him dead. But I love him, or at least I do when I'm sober. You have to realize that going for help is like telling somebody to kill their spouse- it won't feel natural. If I go to a hospital now, my parents, who will totally force me into doing anything they want me to do because of my age and mental status, will have to be my medical proxies. That thought scares me more than dying, to be honest, and I'm not exactly fond of the idea of dying at the age of 16, so that really says a lot. I want help, but I want to be respected as a person who can make their own medical decisions despite my age. I just want to be aided, and because I'm a minor, that has to wait. I'm stuck at home with the parentals for another year and a half, and I turn 18 in around a year and a few months. I just want answers. I want to talk to somebody. Medication is something I'd be okay with if I'm not forced to take it. I only really trust one person in real life, and everyone else at school is COMPLETELY off-limits, mostly because they talk too much to their parents, who will in turn talk to my parents. I have no clue what to do. I'm actually considering withdrawing all of the money from my bank account and running away to some type of home that can give me free psychiatric help without a proxy, but that would mean jepordizing(sp?) my whole education and my whole future, so I probably won't do that. I'm thinking that I might just keep taking narcotics (again, I have a prescription that says "take as needed", so my use of them in no way is illegal) for this year and a half in low doses (3.5 mg of oxy does the trick, which is a far cry from a dose that is at all toxic, and I don't drink so my liver is in good condition anyway), and when I go off to college as an 18-year-old, I can seek proper professional help. All I know is that I need to do something about this and I need to talk to people, and that Nerdfighters usually give spot-on advice for stuff because you people are smart.
So yeah. Help?
This is immensely tough. I'll have to think about that for a while. Can you elaborate on why you so don't trust your parents to make the right medical choices? Who is this other person, aunt, uncle (adult) or boyfriend?
It would be much better if you can get assistance now. Letting this go on for over a year and then trying to deal with it as you start college is a very sub-optimal plan. As I said this one will take some thinking through before I even try to offer a solution.
Edit: Running away is the very worst idea of all. When you attempt to get medical help your whole identity will fall apart and you'll end up with much worse problems than you have now. So the low hanging fruit of this problem is forget that plan.
My parents would force me into taking medicines that I'm not comfortable with. Plus I don't want them having that much control over my life. I'm 16. I'm not a kid. I understand sideffects and can make an informed decision. I should be able to decide what medicines go into my body and what types of therapy I should be subject to. I had a slight anxiety problem in middle school and my mom was incredibly pushy that I should go on medicines. I did my research and had to fight tooth-and-nail to not be put on it, because the sideffects were dreadful and very common, and at the time, my condition was really mild. All I can think of is that my parents will prssure me and absolutely force me into giving up any control over my body and mind that I may have left. If I go on medication, the decision should be between myself and a doctor, not between my parents and a doctor. There are no adults I trust in my life to make medical decisions for me. My mom is pushy and doesn't respect me as an educated, independent person, and she has no regards for what I want, and my dad doesn't even know the function of the large intestine, so he should have no say in making any sort of medical decision for me.
Right now, running away is totally out-of-question, but when I was unmedicated, I was considering it in the midst of my mania.
Actually, you are 16. You ARE a kid. That may be hard for you to accept, but your behavior already shows your lack of maturity. I mean no disrespect in saying this... it is just a fact.
Stop medicating yourself, and get to a doctor. NOW. There is NO other safe alternative for what is going on right now. You MUST get medical attention. Your mental health can be caused by a simple chemical imbalance, or something as serious as a brain tumor! You won't know until you get to a doctor!
I am no stranger to mental illness. Let me tell you this... it will only get worse. You need to get help now. No excuses.
It sounds like you may be having some sort of schizophrenic episodes. You need to be medicated, with the right drugs. Not pain meds.
And you don't think that saying that the fact that I'll be pretty much taken advantage of in every way possible isn't a justifiable reason to wait and get help? I'm not violent. I'm not self-harming. I pose no threat to society. I realize that I do need help. I'm trying to find ways of getting help that don't force me into uncomfortable situations, particularly so I don't get forced into taking a medicine that has nasty sideffects. Most antipsychotics aren't approved for minors anyway, and some aren't even recommended for people under the age of 25 because of the neurological developmental damage they can cause. Keep that in mind. It's not just something simple like an antibiotic or a multivitamin I'd have to take. It's a medicine that can cause permanent damage to both my physical and mental health. I don't want to be forced to take it. If I read up on the particular medicine that a doctor recommends and find that I need it so badly that it's worth risking sideffects for, that should be my call. I know people who have gone on antipsychotics and have been permanently damaged in ways that affect important stuff, like memory and academic performance. I don't want to risk that unless I absolutely have to. I want antipsychotics to be a last-chance option. I'm open to trying them, but they're risky... really risky.
You should look into finding an advocate that will be on your side. You sound pretty smart, you know you need help and an advocate would help you get the help you need, not turn you into a drugged out zombie. See what options you have in your area.
I'm so sorry that you have to be in this situation. I am fortunate to have a lot of trust in parents, though I am over 18 and If needed I could make my own medical decisions. Is there a psychiatrist or counselor that you trust and could talk to about the situation? A counselor would not need your parents' approval. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you could see a doctor/psychiatrist to talk about the situation but just not have medication prescribed, without your parents' knowledge.
Don't let this go on until you're 18. Long-term use of those drugs, even at low levels, is probably not good for your health (although it appears to be helping you in the short term). I'm no medical professional, but I bet there are some adults at there that truly care about people in your situation and would do what they can to help you.
My school is corrupt and hates me. The only counseling I have beyond my school (which would inform my parents somehow of what I'm going through and make my world go crashing down around me) is my ex-therapist, and sessions with her would be pricy unless I use my parents' insurance, and she'd tell my parents everything I'm going through as well. Right now, the closest thing I have to being able to free, confidential help (even just talking) is my blog and me posting on various web forums.
I've looked up the sideffects of the medicines I take, and there seem to be no serious long-term effects of taking low-doses, other than possible dependence, but I'll be getting psychiatric help anyway, so any dependence I develop, I'd get treated in the meantime. I actually plan on going into pharmaceutical science (neuropharmacology, to be exact), so I know to be careful with dosing regarding all active ingredients, and I researched all effects pretty carefully, and I know what sideffects to look out for and if I notice any, I should stop taking it instantly. But with the low dose that I'm on, plus the fact that I've been taking the medicine occasionally for a while, I'm feeling pretty safe with it. And like I said, I don't drink. I know that you should never, ever mix narcotics with alcohol.
I'm sure there are adults that do care, but there are none that I trust with my situation because 1. I'm technically mentally ill, and people tend to be ableist/tend to assume that the mentally ill are totally incompetant and 2. I'm only 16, so I must be an idiotic teenager who hasn't even taken a college-level bio class, so I must have no clue what is good or healthy. If there was a confidential mental health clinic nearby, I'd walk there in a heartbeat or somehow convince one of my friend to drive me close enough that I could walk. But sadly, I live in a hick town far away from anything at all medical other than my insurance-needing pediatrician and a random physical therapy office. Hopefully, I'll be able to drive soon enough, so maybe over the summer, I can find a mental health clinic of some sort that can at least let me talk to somebody for free. I think that waiting 6 months or so until I can drive (I'll pretend I'm going to the craft store or something) so I can seek some sort of counseling.
I'm glad you researched the drugs, and you seem like a very responsible person. The mental health clinic is a good idea. I hope everything works out for you.
As a side note, have you read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series? It kind of relates to your situation, and the heroine of the story is pretty badass :)