The social life of a nerd... what do you think?

[Amelia...]

Hey everyone!

I'm in my first year of university, studying English and creative writing. I'm enjoying the academics a lot, but other than that, I can't say that I really like going to uni that much. I'm in my second semester now, and things are looking up a bit after four months of trying to survive - physically and mentally. All of my problems seemed to stem from social issues.

I might be nerdy and a bit awkward and shy, but I've always managed to find friends. I was with a great group of people all throughout high school and I miss them now that I'm here. Coming into university I was suddenly the loner, the outcast, and it was not a role that I enjoyed playing in the least. I'm underage, wouldn't drink even if I could, hate going out at night (I like to sleep!) and am not really comfortable in large groups of drunken people (aka parties). Unfortunately, university students seem to like nothing better than being drunk and hanging out with a huge crowd of people. All I have ever needed are a few close friends to hang out with. Maybe we would go see a movie, walk around downtown for the afternoon, or sit around and chat. That doesn't seem to exist in university. Everyone wants to have a million friends, everyone wants to hang out in huge groups where you can never get to know anyone well enough to even call them your friends. The general philosophy here seems to be "I can sleep when I'm old, 1am is way to early to be home, even though I have class tomorrow!" I do not agree with this philosophy and am tired of sitting in my house alone on weekends while all of my housemates go out a party. At the same time, I refuse to join them. I don't like partying. I tell myself I should go with them, and I have a couple of times, only to come back exhuasted and overwrought, not having met anyone I would like to hang out with, and smelling like cigarettes I didn't smoke and beer I didn't drink.

I think I can attribute some of my dislike for the above activties to my nerdiness. I learned a theory about introverted and extraverted personalities in pyschology class last semester. The theory says that introverted people have a slighty higher than normal level of brain activity, and extraverted people have a slightly lower level (this doesn't mean they're stupid, it's just got something to do with electrical signals). Extraverted people have no trouble in highly stimulating social environments like loud parties because their level of brain activity is only raised to the "normal" level, which is not uncomfortable. Introverted people on the other hand don't like stimulating social environments because their brain activity, already higher than normal, is raised to an uncomfortably high level. I would definitely classify myself as an introverted person, and I wish someone could prove this theory was true so I could blame my dislike of bars, clubs, parties, and large groups on it.

My question then, I suppose, is do you think nerdiness goes along with social problems? Is there anyone out there who has had or is having a similar expirience to me, and if so, do you blame the fact that you are a "nerd" on it? Nerds have been stigmatized by the media to be socially inept, and I used to laugh at it, but now I'm wondering if there isn't some truth to the stereotypes we see in movies and TV shows. Is there something about the way that "nerds" act or think that makes it difficult for them to fit in with different sorts of people?

Thanks for listening to my venting (that was kind of the main point of this post) and I'd love to hear what you think!

[Allison Shaw]

Well, I'm not sure that I agree with the theory that extroverted theory have slightly less brain activity than introverted people, because I think that many people are introverted in some situations and extroverted in others. I also think that "nerdy" people are just as capable of being extroverted as less intelligent people. I think it may just be a matter of, more intelligent people tend to think too much. At least, that seems to be my problem.

I, too am a freshman in college. I go to a "party school", but luckily for me, I live on a part of campus that has more intelligent and non-partying students. BUT there are still a lot of people who party (and a whole lot of people who smoke pot). I try to avoid the people that have different moral interests than me, but it's been hard.

I recommend trying to join an activity that relates to your interest. Perhaps a writing critique group, or a literary club. It may be difficult to break out and get out there, but it's worth. Don't think to much about what others will think about you, just do what makes you happy. One of my best friends at school is someone I could hardly stand when I first met her!

Sorry about the long post, and I'm sure you've heard a lot of this before. But if you just let yourself be yourself, you'd be surprised how happy you can be.

Anyway, I don't think it's because of any defect that "nerds" have, that causes us to have trouble fitting in. I just think, like I said, we tend to over-think things.

Good luck. :)

[Amelia...]

Thanks Alison - I think that's a great point about overthinking things. I know I definitely do that.

Danman - I have gotten used to being alone, and I do like spending time on my own, but I really would like to have a few close friends. I'm currently checking out some clubs and things to join though, so yes, I'll probably meet someone there like you say.

Thanks for reading and replying guys!

[Olivia]

I don't think nerdiness can be a source of social problems. To me it seems like the partying/drinking stuff is a problem simply because you think it is. I'm not saying it's your fault. The only issue here is that you don't want to be doing stuff like that, but you wish you did want to. Something needs to be worked out so that you find a way to be happy without doing things you don't want to do.
I'm the same was as you, but I don't feel like I'm having "social problems." I just have a different brand of friends than the kind who like that stuff (even though I'm in highschool, so it isn't as big of a problem for me, since fewer people are into that). You clearly want to be with people, so find some people more like you. I'm sure there's more of them.
That psychology theory seems plausible, but I think if we accept it then we're all in danger of blaming our nerdy oddities on it.

[Ultimate Schnitzel]

Just join in. Come on. You'll like it. Just try it a few more times. Come on, man. They need you. Don't back out. Come on. Join in, trust me, you'll have fun.

On second though, gtfo of there and find someplace better.

[Amelia...]

Thanks for replying everyone

Olivia: good point about apportioning blame to psychological theories. That shouldn't happen.

Ultimate Schnizel (sweet name by the way :) ) that is completely how I feel sometimes.

Jason G - I believe that theory. I wonder why that would be the case?

[Leanne]

It looks like your only social problem is that you're hanging out with the wrong people. I don't think nerds are socially inept; we're just a rare breed. A beer-chugging frat boy would probably have as much trouble fitting in if he went to Leakycon.