... and emotions start flying and it gets all weird.
I met this guy through a friend last semester. We would watch anime and discuss music together and things seemed pretty normal. After the break he starts texting and facebooking me every night and we have conversations that last forever. Eventually he decides to become my math tutor (he taught himself calculus in middle school, he's now a junior in college) and we spend crazy amounts of time together studying and goofing off; we're usually together from six at night till three in the morning.
One night that we're not studying or watching anime, he texts me about how pretty he thinks I am. Turns out he got hammered alone on a school night, which was when I first became concerned. When he sobers up he texts me again and said he meant every word.
Typically when we study together, we end up at an iHop at three AM and he always pays for my meal. Tuesday night, after all the silliness and hyperactivity that went down between us at the library, he breaks down and tells me his horrible life story.
Long story short, his father abused him and his mother for eleven years. Once his parents divorced, his mother contracted breast cancer and her family didn't want to pay for it so they lost all of their money and were homeless, living off of friends. He cut himself... and he developed a sex addiction and has cheated on every girl he has ever dated. The last time he was in a relationship was two years ago. He told me that he's changed, that he is no longer a sex addict and wants to have a serious relationship if he can find a girl he actually likes and wouldn't want to hurt. He started talking about wanting to get settled down with a nice girl... and apparently that girl is me. Not that it's not obvious, but I am freaked out for several reasons:
1. The sex addiction. I was molested when I was younger and the thought of having sex with anyone repulses me, not to mention no girl wants to be a sex slave.
2. Cheating. On all of his exes. I have no idea what those girls were like, whether they were wholesome like me, if he typically goes after innocent girls with limited life experience because he believes they can be easily manipulated...
3. He's horribly depressed. He got so sad I almost cried. My life hasn't been the easiest either, weird things have happened, and I've been pretty depressed myself in the past. I know what it's like to have people abandon you and judge you. But I know I can't fix him. If I had to fix myself on my own he has to fix himself too. When I got sad he got even sadder. He thrives off of my bubbly attitude, so if I get down he gets REALLY down. As terrible as it sounds, I don't want to date a depressed person because I hate feeling sad. Sadness was a period of my life that I want to leave behind.
4. I can't tell how much he's changed in the past two years because I didn't know him back then.
But, I am even more freaked out because of one really stupid thing: I like him back in spite of knowing how horrible an idea of us as a couple would be. My friend talked to him and told me he wants to ask me out for dinner on Valentine's Day. I've been avoiding him for the past couple of days so he can't ask me in person. But I'm not going to be able to do that forever and I want to do this whole thing properly. When he does ask me, I honestly don't know what my response would be. I am attached and attracted to him, but we come from two completely different worlds. I'm basically the southern belle type: I come from a good, upper-middle-class family and am really, really sheltered. (I'm a preacher's kid.) I can see the stupidity of the situation, yet I wonder if I should go through with this and let myself get hurt.
More details on how he treats me:
He acts like a gentleman. Even if it's raining and freezing cold outside, he will walk with me to wherever I'm going for however long it takes (sometimes up to thirty minutes) while carrying my backpack and his. He opens doors, says his please-and-thank-yous, and won't let me object to his paying for things. He constantly asks me if I'm alright if he thinks something is up and is willing to listen to my problems. Apparently he honestly thinks I am beautiful. He's said so. When it comes to touching, this is the extent of our physical contact: he's only hugged me once and he attempts to play footsies with me all the time. We've been alone in the dark so many times and nothing has happened.
I know I'm not completely innocent in this; I've spent too much time with him and I've most likely led him on.
TL;DR: Nerd guy with a horrible life story and a history of being bad likes me and I don't know what to do. A part of me likes him and a part of me is afraid of him.
So, Nerdfighteria, what's a girl to do?
Hey, I read this thinking 'I'm probably not the best person to ask' but then I saw you had no replies and I thought that was pretty bad. I'm only 17 myself, but there is one situation I can just about relate to you. I haven't been molested, but I've been through something very similar, and those sorts of issues crop up often in my life. I have a problem with the idea of sex, so I can see where your coming from. I have been hurt a lot, but I've pretty much always took the risk, and although it hurt, it does give you some experience. If you think the relationship could be mutual, then perhaps consider going for it. But don't let it happen just because he needs you. If you want to wait, make him wait. For however long it takes. If you help him with his issues, I'm sure he should be able to understand yours. You can't ever know if it's a good decision or not, so you have to make a personal choice on whether you want to do this or not. One of my ex boyfriend's was a cheater, but your guy sounds a LOT nicer than him. My advice is think with your head first; weigh up the considerations logically, and then once you've done so, let your heart into the decision. Love is always a risk, but sometimes you just have to get hurt.
I have had (still have} a lot of issues myself, I was hospitalized in a mental institution twice, so I heard a lot of horrible/ tragic stories. So I know what it's like to be the one with the problem, but also to be the one that has to hear the problem, if you know what I mean.
Your friend clearly has some issues that you can't solve, he needs professional help. I don't know if he already is seeing someone, but if he isn't that tell him that he should.
It is your own choice if you want to see him or not, it can be very hard to see someone who is having such a hard time, so it really is understandable if you don't want to see him. And i'm sure that he will think the same.
I know you posted this a while ago, and I am not really sure what to say, but I can't leave this page without replying. I am not sure whether to give you my back story or... what.
With it being a couple months later... Are you alright? Is he alright? Did anything happen?