Zombie Surviving Tips?

[Keegan {Zombie Expert}]

Got any Zombie Surviving tips? If you do post them here for everybody to read.

[Kenny]

A human with no air in their lungs will sink, we aren't buoyant. As far as decomposition gasses go, we're going to have to assume that zombies don't decompose, because if they do the apocalypse will be over inside a month.

[Michael Stokes]

Other factors to consider: Navigation, Depth (water pressure), Terrain, and Hungry Fishies. :3

[Kenny]

Navigation- Zombies are mindless, they wander aimlessly on land, and that would be no different in the water

Depth (water pressure)- It takes a lot of water pressure to physically crush a human's skull. Anything less than that wouldn't even inconvenience a zombie.

Terrain- Underwater terrain would probably slow them down, but with millions or more zombies walking around down their it doesn't matter how slow they're moving, they're gonna be everywhere

Hungry Fishies- If animals can consume zombie flesh then so can bacteria, so they'd all be dead in a month from decomposition. Therefore we'll assume that animals won't eat them (hope for the best, plan for the worst)

[Michael Stokes]

"Navigation- Zombies are mindless, they wander aimlessly on land, and that would be no different in the water"

Then we wouldn't have to worry about them coming after us because they don't know where we are in the first place.

"Depth (water pressure)- It takes a lot of water pressure to physically crush a human's skull. Anything less than that wouldn't even inconvenience a zombie."

Well, it depends where said island is; if it's far out, say Hawaii, then there are some deep areas between the continental shelf and over there.

"Terrain- Underwater terrain would probably slow them down, but with millions or more zombies walking around down their it doesn't matter how slow they're moving, they're gonna be everywhere"

See above; it would suck for them to all fall down a trench.

"Hungry Fishies- If animals can consume zombie flesh then so can bacteria, so they'd all be dead in a month from decomposition. Therefore we'll assume that animals won't eat them (hope for the best, plan for the worst)"

My point wasn't that, it was more of a "if it moves, it's probably gonna get bit" logic. They've found license plates in sharks, so what's to stop them from taking a bite out of an easy target like a zombie? Though it might not taste all that great.

[Kenny]

Then we wouldn't have to worry about them coming after us because they don't know where we are in the first place.

No matter where you hide they won't know where you are, but they'll find you. Remember, the majority of our 6 billion people live on coastlines, plenty of them will be in the oceans.

Well, it depends where said island is; if it's far out, say Hawaii, then there are some deep areas between the continental shelf and over there.

Hawaii would be a wonderful place to be. Which is why a lot of people will go there. Which is why the infection will be there.

My point wasn't that, it was more of a "if it moves, it's probably gonna get bit" logic. They've found license plates in sharks, so what's to stop them from taking a bite out of an easy target like a zombie? Though it might not taste all that great.

Animals have much better survival instincts than humans, and few animals will eat putrid flesh. I'm gonna side with author Max Brooks here and say that animals will know to avoid zombies.

[Kenny]

First step- forget everything that you know about hurting and killing humans. Grenades, fire, explosives, pit-falls, machine guns (and any other type of lead-slinging gun), electricity, pepper spray, poisons, all of it great at fucking humans but either completely useless or not nearly useful enough against the walking dead. Second step- forget everything you think you know about surviving the zombie apocalypse. I'm sorry, but if you think that you and your buddies from high school are gonna grab some machetes and shotguns and then survive the apocalypse in style by fleeing to the local mall you are sorely mistaken. I'm going to tell you everything I know about not becoming zombie chow, and everyone who actually listens to me is one less zombie that I'm going to have to kill when the time comes.

Section One- How to kill Bitches*
There is only one way to kill a zombie, and that is to destroy the brain. Decapitation serves the same function, as long as you make sure to tread lightly around the fallen heads. I will detail the best ways of accomplishing throughout this section

Subsection I- Melee weapons
All melee weapons have to be able to do one of three things on the first strike, or it's useless. Those three things are: Crush through the skull and pwn the brain, decapitate, or go through the eye and impale the brain. A weapon's ability to do one of those things depends not only on the weapons ability to accomplish said feat, but the wielder's strength and skill with a particular weapon (for instance a 90 pound girl who has been fencing all her life would be much better off trying to stab through a zombie's eye socket than she would be trying to split a skull with an axe. The exact opposite can be said for a burly lumberjack).

Crowbar
No weapon is as synonymous with crushing a bitch's skull than the crowbar. The fact that it doubles as an incredibly versatile tool seems to put it on the top of your list of zombie-fucking tools. In my opinion, this is not the case. With a crowbar there are two ways to kill a zombie- crush through the top of the skull with the curved side or stab though the eye with the straight side, and both come with their own set of problems. With crushing through the top of the skull, our first roadblock is the top of the skull. This is the thickest area of the thickest bone in the human body. Smashing through skull after skull after skull is going to get tiring, and tired people are like take-out for a zombie. The second problem is retrieving your weapon. A standard crowbar is curved, so it's not a simple in-and-out. Also, when you kill a zombie it's not going to stand around politely waiting for you to pull it out, it's going to go instant ragdoll, dragging your crowbar down onto the floor with it. Additionally, the zombies friends are going to continue shambling towards you while you attempt to retrieve your weapon. Though I'm sure that with practice you could learn to angle your crowbar just right so that the zombie slides off it like it's covered in grease, the only two things you can practice on are zombies and humans; practicing on zombies will get you killed and practicing on humans is sort of douchey.
The second method of killing a zombie is to stab it through the eye socket with the straight side of the crowbar. With a lot of practice this could be an incredibly effective method of taking them down, but the only way to practice is against zombies, and if you miss the eye socket even once (which you will) then the odds are high that you'll get bitten.

Baseball bats
Aluminum will bend, wood will shatter, neither are going to last for more than 3 or 4 zombies. Good in a pinch but should not be your first choice

Axes
Fire-axes, hatchets, and battle-axes. I'm going to recommend them all. Any of them can either split a skull or decapitate with relative ease. I wouldn't suggest using a hatchet as your primary weapon, but you should always have one hanging off your belt as a backup.

Swords
Way too many to weigh all of their pros and cons, so I'll try to keep this brief. I mentioned rapiers before, and I strongly recommend avoiding them unless you have been fencing all your life and can be considered a "master" of the art, as the only effective way to use one would be to stab through the eye socket, which is very hard. With all other swords, your goal should typically be decapitation over cranial intrusion. Smashing through the skull takes a huge amount of strength an effort, whereas lopping off a head only requires you to slice through the spine and some decayed flesh. A katana is always good, but if you think you're strong and skilled enough for it a one-handed sword would also work well. Which one you use is up to you. Not really a sword, but I'd recommend a machete.

Everything else
Just ask yourself 4 questions: Can it kill a bitch, can I kill a bitch with it, can I kill 100 bitches with it. and will it still be able to kill bitches once I've killed hundreds of bitches with it? Or phrased differently, is it an effective weapon, can I wield it effectively, will it exhaust me if I use it repeatedly, and is it durable? If you get any less than 4 "yeses", throw it away.

Subsection II- Firearms
One shot, one kill. Let me say it again, one shot, one kill. I can not stress it enough, ONE SHOT, ONE KILL. No full auto, no inaccurate MGs, ONE FUCKING SHOT, ONE MOTHERFUCKING KILL. If you feel that firing your gun on full auto is the most effective way to survive, then by all means feel free, because if you're that dumb you'll probably wind up blowing off your own head anyway. Also, I suggest you only use a weapon's iron sights, everything else is too likely to break. Scopes are good, but if a zombie is so far away you need a scope to kill it, why are you wasting the bullet in the first place?

Heavy Machineguns
If you find one of these, then the only use I can see for it is maybe you could trade it to another group of people for some supplies, so toss it in your trunk and forget about it until then. If you aren't driving, completely disregard it.

Assault rifles
Avoid the M16, it's a complete piece of crap, avoid it like the plague. If you find an AK-47 (which you won't in America), use it, but ONLY on semi-auto. And trade it in for a single-shot rifle first chance you get.

SMGs
Lightweight but only good at close range. I'd suggest holding on to one if you find it, never know when you're going to need to kill dozens of bitches at close range. Again, only ever fire at semi-auto.

Single-shot and bolt-action rifles
Bolt action rifles are probably the best and most reliable, but never use one if you're alone, only if you're with a group. Semi-Auto rifles are by far the best all-around guns when it comes to slaying zombies. I recommend either the M14 or any .22 caliber carbine, although personally I'd pick the .22 over any other gun. You can easily carry thousands of extra rounds for it, the gun has virtually no kick, and the ammo would be interchangeable with a .22 caliber pistol. Of course with a round that small you probably wont' be able to crack a skull from any real distance, so always aim for the center of the face. Either eye socket and the area between the two eyes are the easiest ways into a brain.

Pistols
Always carry one, never rely on it. They're inaccurate except up close, and therefore should only ever be pulled out if a bitch is closing in on you and you don't have time to reload your primary firearm.

This has been fun, but my brain is tired so I'll add more stuff later on. I suggest you read up on my topic about zombies in the mean-time, it should help you stay alive.

http://nerdfighters.ning.com/forum/topics/rules-for-surviving-the-z...


*Bitches- Slang term for "Zombies".