I love this. I think you are entirely correct. People like labelling things and putting them into neat categories of black and white, but when a shade of gray comes along....
Hi, I have been skimming the ning looking for a thread to post in rather than starting my own. I am currently confused and figured the ning was the best place to express myself seeing as no-one I know IRL uses it.
I have read through all the posts here and I agree with a lot of what I have read and have taken heart from it.
I am 29 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, we have been living together for about 6 years. He is in a band that is quite popular where we live and I developed a crush on the (female) singer some time last year. Just before the end of our season here last summer she kissed me, no tongues or anything, but full on the mouth in the middle of a gig and I thought on it throughout our end of season break (about 3 months). I missed her terribly, but passed it off to the boyfriend as missing the band playing when I was caught watching their videos.
I have continued to feel attracted to her since she got back in November and recently I told her so (at the end of a gig) and asked her to kiss me which she did, again the same way.
For days I was dazed and could think of little else, I kept looking for reasons to go see her. That last gig was a pre-party for her wedding as all her family were here and she wanted to do a show for them.
After the wedding I asked her husband if I it would be ok to give her a valentine and he said that would be cool. He was there when she kissed me at the gig, I asked her about it afterwards, because I was worried about it as the wedding approached, but she said he thought it was cool.
So I painted a portrait of her and she loved it and told me to tell my boyfriend that she wasn't offended by my attentions as he had made some comments. I am not sure if he is upset by it or if he was worried I was going to upset her or her husband.
I have finally admitted to myself the depth of my feelings for her. I have been in love with her for some time, but passing it off as a crush as much to hide my feelings from others as to hide them from myself.
I know there are many problems in this whole scenario such as I am in a relationship and she is married. But my main concern is how I feel. I have told her that I love her and she is being very good about it, she also hasn't told anyone that I said that.
I am just so confused, I have never felt this way about a woman at all. I have always thought of myself to be completely straight, I have never even thought of a woman in that way before.
I am of course physically attracted to her, but this love is incredible. I am not sure that I have ever felt so strongly, I feel like the breath is constantly being knocked out of me.
I don't know what I am looking for here in this thread, there is no solution to the problem. Regardless of how I feel we can't be together. She already told me that although she thinks I am beautiful she doesn't see me that way and feels guilty that she can't offer me anything in return for this love that flows constantly from me. I am glad she is such a good friend that she can help me through this just by providing her company.
I don't know... I didn't expect to be confused with my sexuality at this time of my life.
Thank you for the reply. I am so glad that I have Nerdfightaria to talk to, as there really is no-one else I can share this with.
It's been just over a year since I wrote this. Not much has changed. My feelings are still the same, I thought maybe they would diminish somewhat, but they haven't, if anything I feel more strongly for her than I did before. When she went away for her 3 month break this year I didn't think I would be able to cope with it, it was the most emotional pain I think I have ever endured. I missed her more than I have ever missed anyone, and it was heightened by the fact that I couldn't contact her for that whole time.
I have admitted to my boyfriend that I am in love with her, he says I should do what I want to do, but that he doesn't want me to do anything. I am still so confused.
She is always so careful with me, I have backed off a lot this season as I was putting too much on her last year. I don't want her to feel responsible for me, I don't want her to be worrying about me all the time. But also I hope that if I am not so intense that maybe something could happen.
I drove her home from a gig the other night and we talked in the car about times when I had been openly affectionate, and how I missed it. She thanked me for liking her and then stroked the back of my neck in a way that she knows turns me on, she did this a few times on the drive and after I had stopped to let her out. I told her she was bad, she apologised and said it was because she was a bit drunk, but then she did it again. She said she should go and I agreed, but I asked her to kiss me first and she did.
I have been running that through my mind for a week but I haven't mentioned it and neither has she. I wonder how drunk she was, what she remembers and whether she regrets. I don't want to bring it up in case she apologises and I don't want her to. It seems that when she is "a little drunk" that she is more honest about what she does like about my feelings for her. She said last year that if my boyfriend was fine with it that she would be interested, so the only reason it didn't happen was because he wasn't.
I have been hurting since then because although it was wonderful and I wanted it to happen, and she initiated it, I feel guilty for letting it happen. And I feel guilty for wanting it to happen again.