A Little Hope/Humanity Needed

[Jessica Tainton]

Hey guys, I know I haven't contributed much to the group but I could use a little hope. Basically I've been fighting depression for some time (officially a year and a month, off record it could be five-ten years) and I'm losing the battle. Before anyone worries, no I won't be self harming any time soon, and I've yet to work up the nerve to stare down my instinctive desire to live and tell it where to go so suicide is also off the table.

All that said, I'm at the end of my tether. I no longer feel human; never hit this kind of continual low before. 2/3rds of my family get enraged if they see me upset, same amount beat me down verbally if I get angry (I have no right, I'm in the wrong, how could I get angry etc.) so I have to repress those feelings. As you might expect with depression, I can't help but get upset but I can now manage when/where it happens; not so bad, you might think, but it removes any chance of comfort because I can't express my sadness openly. Anger I've entirely repressed. You know you've pissed me off when I start shaking and my breathing hitches, but beyond that I remain the quiet, subservient thing my family accepts.

Meds either don't work, or they've become second nature to my system - I can't tell the difference between the days when I've taken them and days when I haven't. I shall be speaking to the GP about this on Fri, so... That's a thing.

I just... I experience sadness, maybe a few hits of happiness here or there and...that's it. Sadness, anxiety, repressed anger and the odd sliver of joy, nothing else. Generally I just feel blank, no emotion, no anything. I know, I know, sounds like stereotypical depressed ramblings but when you go through these things yourself, the illness deludes you into thinking "you are alone; just another freak, nobody could understand and even if they could why would they want to empathise with a...BEAST like you?" No matter how much you know it to be wrong, that view remains, tinting your interactions with others.

Ye gods I'm rambling... Sorry guys. Not often I get to voice how I'm feeling with any degree of eloquence. Other stuff that's going on: my paranoia is getting worse to the point where I felt certain my stepfather was going to go on a rampage and kill my mother and myself recently, and a persistent thought is that someone is reading my texts before they reach the other person and vetoing whether they get sent or not; I have no money, no job, and medication to buy and board to pay; my friends are dwindling in number as many are moving south to be with family/escape their problems. I have a few positives I'm clinging to, like my sister and her insane cats, gaming and reading, my volunteering and what have you.

All in all, I'm getting ready to give up. I don't even feel like I belong here because after all, nerdfighters by their very definition are awesome and fight world suck. Doesn't feel like I'm awesome, and I feel like I'm contributing to the suck, not decreasing it.

Thanks for listening to me guys, feels good to get it out even if nothing else comes of this.

[Jessica Tainton]

I have one dear, dear friend that I can and do share everything with. I get afraid that I go to her too much at times, but she is still with me after many bloody years so I guess I shouldn't worry. Yep, repressing is bad stuff, but I'm hoping I can get gym membership soon; maybe I can't express it naturally, but exercise should offer a release. Or so I'm thinking.

And thank you, for that last little bit. The one thing depression really rips from you is any thought of the future. But you know, I think it will get better... Might take a hell of a long time, but eventually, it will be good.

I'd return the DFTBA, but frankly, I doubt you ever forget...!

[Danno]

now, if this is a clinical issue, i don't know how much help our words will be...though, you did say you've yet to find meds that do much... anyway, i'm glad you've found a professional to talk to, and i'd like to think we're here for you.  meanwhile hard as it is, you have to try to keep the faith.  i actually know from some experience how hard it is to believe, but yes you are awesome.  and don't for a second let anyone tell you your feelings are invalid.  sure, we all need to work through a lot of them at times.  but they are still your feelings, and you've already said you can see how much repressing them is hurting you.

i wish i had more i could say or do...

[Jessica Tainton]

Thank you Danno. Honestly, when you get used to having people blowing off your issues or just not giving a damn, knowing that someone, somewhere means you well and wants you to be better can do a world of good, just like now. Maybe you think you didn't say or do much, but by simply saying something, you've done more than enough.

[Cecilia]

First of all, you are NOT contributing to the world suck! The only people that do are those that enjoy hurting others. You obviously belong to the object, the one getting hurt, rather than the subject, the one hurting (: <3

I feel like you do.. often. I'm rarely truly happy. I spend most of my time feeling anxious, inadequate and sad. Of course there are some fractures of happy moments now and then, but they hardly make up for all the time in depression. I used to be different, bubbly and positive, but then things just changed for some reason :( I have no idea why I'm so sad, cause I definitely have no good enough reason to be. I can't see there being anything to be done about it :( 

Sometimes your hormomes go crazy I guess... "Hey, let's overproduce to make Jessica upset". That's what I try to think when I'm sad at least, that one day the hormones will settle down to be on a more normal level, and everything will feel less heavy (: And hey, your number of friends just increased a little, cause I would love to join them ^^ 

[Jessica Tainton]

Heh, I know the "why the hell am I feeling so low" thoughts oh so well...! Just comes with the territory, mores the pity.

I think I will give berating my hormones a shot when I next feel down. Knowing me I'll get into a full blown mental argument with them, but hey, if it clicks that I'm being odd, I might just get a smile out of it! Certainly beats wondering why all the time.

Over having my number of friends increasing, I would be more than happy to count you as a friend!

[Chris L]

I've read you post a few times, and a couple of things stick out to me, I could be wrong (so feel free to disregard irrelevant bits and peices), but from what I've read it would seem that you have a lot of concern for others (reassurance at the start, friend shortage and the odd sorry), can make clear coherent points, you have some branch of paranoia and over use labels (Things like depressed and not a nerdfighter). All of these I have been dealing with for ages (only slight paranoia) and they all can stem (they sure do in me) from over-thinking  (this means that, which means this is bound to happen which will...).

First off, it's good that you've put this up now as opposed to later, writing gets you to re-think things, and sometimes see flaws in logic or create additional thoughts (when I posted my thoughts the last third was made up thinking about what I was writing). If you come up with more thoughts, put them up, it will give you a boost for a bit and allow more info to flow.

Next, labels, my advice (to everyone) is to stop using them as absolutes, because there basically wrong.

Take Nerd, you can start by thinking I'm a nerd because I play World of Warcraft, nerds have no confidence and are socially awkward therefore I can't make Friends, this means I'm antisocial  Me being without social skills or confidence means I'm be rubbish in interviews and never get a job. This may seem entirely logical, but is total crap when you realize playing World of Warcraft doesn't mean in the slightest that you have any other nerd traits, and even if you do, these aren't the only criteria for an job, or and interview. (social awkwardness mean's your probably crap at small talk, but in a job, that's part of being professional)

Dealing with labels is quite simple, they should be changed by literary a slight re-wording. Your not depressed, your suffering from depression. Your not unemployed, you currently do not have a job. These statements are still entirely accurate about your position, but they imply change in the future is plausible, and stop more labels sticking onto the original (which is what made my mind spiral out of control and a nightly basis) This also can help with some kinds of paranoia.

Trying to guess what others are thinking then compensating leads to overcompensating, or just saying nothing. I'm currently working this issue out myself but think of caring like food, exercise of alchhol, moderation. Find a balence, I think that you might be overthinking what others will think, or rather, how strong they will think. This happens with me, I'll frequently convince my self not to speak about music or games, but it's a similar spiral to labels, this game is bad so they will say it's bad, so I will dispute that and they wont like me. Again in (or even out of) the moment this seem's rational until you factor in the fact that you have no idea how strong the response will be, or even yours to their response, realising this can cut the thoughts off before they spiral.

In the case of friends (Particually the one who will listen to psychological stuff) I (being nerdy and not good at or not willing to talk) have little advice on how to make them, but if your willing to wait a few hours, people on the ning will (and have) fire back some good advice.

One last point. With meds, don't loose faith in them, anti-depresent medication do not function not like pain killers, they take time to work and work for quite a while, early generations took 1 to 2 months to kick in, so if your taking a dayly dose every other day it's plausible that the drug would be kicking in (at effectively half strength) two and a half days later and last a couple of days so not seeing a difference on a dayly basis would be natural. But this is something perhaps to be confirmed be the GP.

[Jessica Tainton]

Quick reply as I'm reading along...

Labels - yeah, they suck. They serve really only as medical short hand, and even then the system is flawed. We are not labels, we are thousands of little things that make the bigger picture; I recite this often enough to the group I help run. The charity I volunteer with is big on helping people focus on symptoms not labels, and then manage the symptoms as best they can. And really, everything is just a jumble anyway! Labels suggest a logical order and I know through so much experience that it is all so much more complex. It's this complexity that made me fall in love with psychology and mental illnesses in the first place; in physical illnesses you can see a direct line of cause and effect (patient a smoked heavily, therefore developed lung cancer; patient b misjudged a jump, therefore suffered a sprained ankle etc), but mental illnesses are much more personal and unique. A hundred people could have the same diagnosis, but their symptoms, treatments, effects, all would be as individual as the person who has the condition. Makes it hellish to treat as you can't develop a universal treatment plan for anything so massively variable, but from an educational/learning/theoretical stand point... Just so wonderful.

Wow, sorry for the ramble there! Psych is a passion, was way before anything kicked off.

Social paranoia - Mine feels different to how you described. Some instances with me, it's down to knowing that something bad is almost inevitable (example that also relates to my anxiety - my stepfather is a bit on the emotionally abusive side, and can come down like a ton of bricks on me if things don't go exactly his way; I'm paranoid in certain situations that he's waiting for an excuse to launch another volley of...well, crap at me, which sends my anxiety sky rocketing). Others, like the texts, also relate to getting kicked so much - I'm waiting for it to happen again, so my paranoia and anxiety get together and plan out how it'll happen. Thankfully, the text monitoring one is on the fantastical side, so it feels easier to fight.

Friends - I just need to get out there more. I have nerdy interests which would fit in great with making friends, but unfortunately they're either expensive (hello warhammer) or there's no groups in the area (hello D&D). Still no excuse, I'll find some way of doing it.

Meds - Been on this one at the current dose for about 3 months, same drug and lower dose for 3 before that. I've also been on a lower strength med before the current one, which counts for the other six or so months of diagnosed depression. I stick out with any drug before making complaints, but after this length of time, feels right to say something about it.

Thank you very much for responding! You've given me plenty to think on now I'm a little calmer. Really, thank you.