Advice needed in a Troubling Situation...

[Laura Elizabeth Campbell]

Nerdfighteria has never failed, and I am in pretty desperate need of encouragement and advice right now.

I'm in an inter-nerdal relationship, in which I've been very happy for lo these 5 months. This past weekend, I decided to take the big step and tell my boyfriend that I love him (I've been mustering the courage for about 2 months).(side note:  I spent 2 months this summer 750 miles away from him at an internship, but we stuck it through, and we came out of it just fine.) 

So we were lying in bed last weekend, and I rolled over and looked at him, and said "Guess what? I think I love you."

He looked at me, and he kissed me. And again. And didn't say anything. My heart sank so deep in my chest...

There followed a several-hours-long conversation about how he's had his heart broken pretty badly in the past, and that he thinks he's been too broken to be fixed. How the mantra "you can't love others until you love yourself" is true for him. That he hates himself.

That he's been worrying about this for about a month, because he could tell that this was coming (he's more experienced than I am), and he wanted to tell me that he doesn't think he's capable of love, before I said the words. He said he saw this coming in his last relationship, over a year ago, too. He told me that he's just been worried about hurting me- that the only way not to hurt me would have been to not date me, but too late now.

We're staying together (he basically told me that I would have to judge when it would hurt me the least to end it, which pissed me off to no end), and nothing in our relationship dynamic has changed, which is good. 

I'm going to stay with him- I told him not to hold his breath for me to break up with him, because that's not happening. He's amazing, he's a wonderful boyfriend, and he is a genuinely good guy, who is hurting in ways of which I had no inkling, which is highly disturbing for me.

So I guess what I'm asking Nerdfighteria for is advice on how to help him, how to be there for him, and I guess just general support. I know that I have chosen a difficult road, but I think I've made the right choice. It's just hard. Any advice you can give me will be appreciated.

Thank you. And please help me help my boyfriend. He really needs to DFTBA.

[Alaska]

I guess there are several ways to go about this. It just depends on how you want to go about it. Some people don't love themselves because no one else ever loves them so they feel lost and alone and they are scared of losing someone they find important. So if that's the case you could remind him that you love him relatively often. Like some people do that everyday, and sometimes people find it helpful, just being reminded that you are loved can help you love your self.
Also I think that you should tell him that you don't have any plans on leaving or whatever.

After rereading this I noticed that it says a lot about how he doesn't want to hurt you and how he's been hurt in the past. Relationships can break people that's a part of life, but the fact is it's usually because you get attached to someone and then they leave and it hurts. So I think when he says he doesn't want to hurt you it's actually because he's scared of being hurt again, and "I love you" often increases your attachment to another person. So perhaps he just doesn't want to be attached and hurt again. I guess in that situation you could tell him you don't have any intention of hurting him (which I'm assuming you don't...).

Also if you ever need to talk/rant about this or anything you can message me.

[Laura Elizabeth Campbell]

Thanks. Right now, I think I'm just going to try my best to walk the line- always be there for him, but not rub his face in the fact that he can't say it back to me yet. We spent this weekend together (like usual) and he was just as affectionate and caring as ever, so having that conversation seems to have been fine. :)

[Desperado (Adam)]

pm me any time to talk, also, my skype's blues747brother so you can say hi to me on there to

[Laura Elizabeth Campbell]

I would never pressure him, and he knows that. Which is why he's not going to say it until he's ready. 

I will do my best to follow your advice (why is it that the best advice is the hardest to follow sometimes?- not the be there and be understanding part, that's easy. But the not dwelling part.)

Thank you.

[Cyborg Alpha]

You also need to understand, that while he's been hurt in the past -- he's currently in a relationship.

That he's been worrying about this for about a month, because he could tell that this was coming (he's more experienced than I am), and he wanted to tell me that he doesn't think he's capable of love, before I said the words. He said he saw this coming in his last relationship, over a year ago, too. He told me that he's just been worried about hurting me- that the only way not to hurt me would have been to not date me, but too late now.

The fact he is in a relationship (with you) and has been (with others) in the past, means (psychologically) that there is something more than self-loathing. I've seen guys like this. (btw - I'm a nerd too.) I would say that not being comfortable (or happy) with yourself (to some degree) is common to nerds.

As guy nerd, I'm usually the last choice. I've never been considered cute. Girls who were interested in me, only were after their first (and several choices after) failed. I'm -- "Oh well, he's better than nothing.". I'm ok with this about myself. You can't force people to like you. However, I would never (and haven't) had sex because I want love. Loving a person puts that person's needs and happiness above yours. I have many girls as friends, and I know how they feel. Love and relationship is important.

The standard guy, is fundamental selfish. They disconnect sex from love, and attach no emotion to it. It would be interesting to see why (and how), he broke up with his past relationships. It would probably provide some real answers as to where your relationship (with him) is heading. His, statement of "the inability" to love - may be something more than just with his last relationship. It may have been a (or the) factor in all of his past relationships.

[Desperado (Adam)]

Can we get a status report on how things are going now?

[Laura Elizabeth Campbell]

:) Sure.

For right now, we don't really talk about it much. It's come up a couple of times, just in passing, and we've moved past it and pretty much ignored it. We talked about it a bit last night, and pretty much I said that I didn't want to say "it" b/c I didn't want to make him sad, and he told me that since he's pretty perceptive, he can usually tell when I'm feeling "it" pretty strongly, so he gets sad anyway. So then I said I didn't want something that I perceive as a positive emotion to make him sad, I want to make him happy. And that was the end of the conversation.

So I guess long story short is we're not outright dealing with it, I'm just being there and supportive and he's being there and supportive, and the couple of times I've mentioned something small that bugs me, like wanting to at least text good night when i'm not there, he's agreed and we've made the adjustment, so we're doing pretty well.

Other times he's beaten himself up over something, we've talked about it, and I've tried to help him see it's not his fault, or that he shouldn't beat himself up over it. Baby steps, I suppose. 

[Galya♡]

Tell him that you are there for him, really there for him and that he can tell you anything. Look, clearly, you love his heart, even if it's broken. You love him. The way he is. Just continue to be there for him, and do little things to brighten his day and make him happier. Sometimes, when you are hurt, things like "I love you" that may seem nice to you, may add on stress and intensity to his mind. (Not your fault) Try to bring things to a positive side when you can.

[Desperado (Adam)]

To add onto that. Tell him that you know he's hurting, that you know he can't quite say it just yet. But let him know that sometime, when he's healed, you're confident he will.