Untangle my thoughts

[Chris L]

Here is several sub-thoughts about one main thought, one I want removing from my "logic": I hate the fact that I like the things I like.

For example I love the music from a few singers and bands, but I have only one discussion of my music that hasn't left me pissed of or in an argument. I always win the arguments. 

It's not everything I like (like TV or chocolate) but that theme is common in everything that I ever went wow at and still like, for this reason I hate the fact that I like the music and games that I like. This can quickly spread into everything I like and can cause hours of insomnia. I don't know how long people should take to go to sleep, but for me under normal circumstances it's 40 minutes to two hours in a delirious semiconscious state, with my mind spiraling out of control before I get a grip or presumably become too tired to care.

This is problematic in itself but also this thought can bug me during the day, and in combination with other (less destructive) traits has presumably caused my shyness and apathy, which in turn has caused me massive difficulty in trying new things (I find it far too easy to come up with "good, logical, rational" reasons to not do things)

I fear that this post has gotten off track.

The main issue is I care too much about what other people think right? But I'm more than confidant that I can defend my tastes and dominate the argument  making the aggressor a pear (to an outsider) as just a bit of a douchbag. So even if they hate on my tastes, nothing really bad will happen, right? The issue is whilst I win the argument, next time it comes up, the still will hate on it, I've achieved nothing but showing I'm probably argumentative, also they will talk to others.

This is a big source of anxiety, because whilst I can explain (politely or like an asshole) why my tastes are fine, they can still tell others that it's shit, and I'm not there to defend myself, so they judge me before they know my side, or I know that they think it's shit, as opposed to fairly  open minded.

Also I feel like I don't want to talk about my interests because it affects how I like those interests.  I remember at first there was a time a time when I would listen to Sum 41 or Foo Fighters after an argument, it felt sooo good thinking that I was pissing off this asshole by merely enjoying this, this was before I realized the futility of arguing.

Now I can't wind down with some Taylor Swift without getting upset or annoyed with the hatred associated with her. I also think back to the first time I heard her music, how great it made me feel, before I knew who she was and how people thought of her, I remember I didn't even know the name of the song but it was a wonderful time, and If I never knew, or expressed, anything about her how I would feel the same now as I did then, instead I get to be pissed off by the method I use to calm myself down, and then crushed under the bloody irony.

This leads me to the conclusion that talking sucks.

As I've been typing I've realized that there's a wired logic that I don't really like. To stop myself getting flack, I don't talk, therefore I don't befriend, I've chosen to have no enemies than have many friends, but even by saying nothing, people judge, so people still see me negatively, I'n not sure whether I like that trade off.

Anyway any advice into how to stop hating the fact that I like certain things, stop caring about what other people think, how get back into how I originality feel about things or into that trade off would be most appreciated.

[Chris L]

Thanks for nailing down some truths in my head, I needed those (annoying but) true fact. It's true that the worlds complex, and things are unavoidable. I also realize that I can (and am) be friends with people even if they disagree or hate what I like. I like the idea of finding a balance (easier said then done) being able to focus more easily will be the start i think.

Oh, and sorry for the long reply, I really didn't want to read the responses.

[Ella Bridgett-Tomkinson]

I know exactly how you feel, I guess i could tell you that you should make friends with people that like you dispite or even for your likes and dislike. But the fact is that you cant always be around people that understand you.

What you really have to remember is that the things that you like are personal to you. When you listen to music, dont think about what other people think, think about the music and what it means to you. Do it somewhere privet if when you are in public you are mocked and and shamed in public. Do the thing you like becouse you like them, not becouse of other people. If other peoples views mke you dislike things mabey you dont actually like them as much as you think. If people choose to miss out on the kind of feeling you get when you listen to music you really connect with. Also remember thet other people will dislike having people say that their tastes may be wrong as much as you do!

 

I also are rather quite and so i am called a nerd and stuff. It can be very upseting and people can judge you before you get to make your own impression with them. You need to show people who you are, be nice and kind. Try to be confident and talktive without regestering opinions that they may disagree with, this can come when you are closer friends with people and they respect your views! People will also respect you if you can have disgussions about things with them, without getting really het up, of course!

I really hope that this helped, if you need to talk more about it you can come to me. I understand how you are feeling an often feel the same way!

 

[Chris L]

"If people choose to miss out on the kind of feeling you get when you listen to music you really connect with" I love this line, it got me thinking rather nicely, and cheered me up. I also will try to curb my argumentative side, though I think this will be rather difficult  on the count of me wanting to defend anything if the accusation is wrong (I don't even need to like or  in some cases know much about what I'm defending) This is both because I hate people just spouting hate everywhere, love countering points and responding to provocation to start (and win) arguments (intellectual fencing in my view) and love feeling like a smartass.

Thanks for the advice and as above, sorry for the delay in responding.

[Chris L]

I've thought for over a year about a vloging, but I always hit reasons/excuses.
Mainly that their will be no hits therefore no point, or that all I'll be doing is arguing on the internet, or teaching others what lines to argue with (This point may warm to me actually). That my inexperience in vlogging will make at least the first ones will look crap, making me loose faith in vlogging so stop before I get good.
Real life conflicting with online life is also concerning, as is the opposite of the very people who I made the argument against don't actually receive it. (although when I have the in real life I don't (and in some cases shouldn't) take that chance)
I'm noticing conflicting and circular logic in my reasoning, but the idea that my reasons are crap isn't enough to inspire me to start, so far my idea of how I'll start is a vlog day or something like that, really just a reason or excuse start, so even if it's rubbish I could justify it with that reason, as opposed to, oh I wanted to vlog.