Hey, you. Yes. You. Come here. I have a question for you.

I posted this in the Nerdfighterlike group as well, so forgive me if you're seeing it twice.

Girls are more than welcome to reply to this, but it is primarily for the boys.

So. Boys. Hi. I'm Jordan.

You confuse me. A lot.

Please read this.

http://daylightburnsahole.blogspot.com/2011/01/code.html

I really would love answers to my non-rhetorical question.

Thank you.

;)

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Brett on January 12, 2011 at 10:30pm

I'm afraid I can't help you because I'm terrible with any kind of relationship but I do disagree with one part there. There are some guys who like batshit crazy girls :P

Permalink Reply by Lucy on January 12, 2011 at 10:43pm

Well, I don't think you can always rely on God to pave the way for you. If you believe that God has a plan, you have to remember that that plan includes interaction on your end. You say "I barely even flirt," and I think that's part of your problem. Don't think that flirting means throwing yourself at a guy, flirting is just another form of conversation.

In fact, that's where you should start. Don't just go after the guys you're "personally interested in," talk to all of them. Say hello. I assume you're in school, so ask them what they thought of a class. You never know when you'll find a nice guy.

Permalink Reply by Jordan E on January 13, 2011 at 12:45pm

I do talk to a wide variety of guys, not just the ones I'm interested in. I mentioned in the post that I have an abundance of guy friends, and I do. In fact, the majority of my friends are male. Talking to males and finding nice guys in general is not the problem. Finding nice guys that are interested in in return is the problem.

I don't think flirting just means throwing myself at a guy, and I do flirt with guys that I'm interested in, I just don't flirt with every cute guy that comes down the pike just for the heck of it. Perhaps that wasn't written as clearly as it should have been.

Also, I definitely don't think that I can just sit back and chill and wait for God to hand me a relationship. I'm well aware that life doesn't work like that.

Permalink Reply by Katie Engle on January 14, 2011 at 3:44pm

Hey, you've had more dates then I have.

I think I am near the same boat as you, the only downside to me is that I'm homeschool, so.. I don't actually see any male-guy people.

I've never had a real date in my life, because my older sister spent her middle school/high school years as the school slut, so any guy I ever talked to assumed I was easy or that I did drugs like my sister (neither of which are true). I think you're doing everything right, you're being yourself and you're not throwing yourself at every 'cute' guy that you come across (I mean, never judge a book by it's cover). I think what the issue is is that you're just with the age group that all guys think about is 'sex' and things like that (heck, this whole generation only thinks about sex. Besides us nerds that know better then to have that before marriage/with the first guy that comes around). So, maybe you should, just give it a little while, just have fun, hang out with your friends (a date doesn't have to be between you and your boyfriend, you can go hang out with just a male-guy friend before you two decide to 'date' officially). Just be friends with somebody before you ever even think about dating them, that is always best.

I hope you do find 'the one' soon though! And I wish you all of the happiness in the world for when you do!

Permalink Reply by Jordan E on January 14, 2011 at 3:53pm

Aw. You're so sweet. I hope you find someone soon, too!!

Permalink Reply by Molly L on February 22, 2011 at 2:59pm

I'd like to point out that I am in no way trying to criticise any decisions that you have made, but I don't really understand the whole 'saving yourself for marriage' thing. Is it just because that's what the Bible says? I'm not a Christian but I've always been curious about this idea. I'm 19 and have never really had a boyfriend, and although I don't want to give everything away to just anyone I don't really get why I should wait until I get married, as long as when 'it' does happen I'm careful. But the main problem right now is my age - well, Their age. Very few of the guys I know are mature enough for any kind of relationship, particularly as hey are using university as a sexual escapade rather than an experience in education. Annoying. That doesn't mean the right one will never come along; it really just means they're not quite ready for us yet. Give it time :)

Permalink Reply by Jordan E on February 23, 2011 at 8:45am

While it is mostly a Biblical principle for me (the Bible says when two people have sex they become one flesh, and it is not meant to happen outside of marriage), it is also simply from a practical and emotional standpoint. I've seen far too many girls have sex and then feel awful when the guy leaves her for whatever reason. It's a very intimate thing and I think it should only be between you and the person you're going to stay with the rest of your life - there's way less heartbreak that way.

I don't know about you, but I'm personally not a huge fan of STDs...there's my practical reason.

I figure, as a virgin, I can be like anyone else and have sex any time I want, but no one else who has had sex can be like me. It's something that you can't take back once you go that far, and I don't want to go there.

ANYWAY. That's my reasoning. Thanks for asking!!

Permalink Reply by Molly L on February 23, 2011 at 4:42pm

I know a lot of people who are sexually active and have been for years without ever contracting an STD or accidentally falling pregnant, I just think that you can have more than one great love in your life, and you can't marry them all. I totally believe that in a real relationship sex isn't important, but one could miss out on a lot of intimacy (and yes, I'll say it, fun), by waiting until marriage. Also, I'm pretty sure I would totally freak out on my wedding day i I was a virgin.

Obviously I'm not trying to talk you out of your beliefs, I would never do that and I doubt I'd be able to, I'm just hoping you won't condemn anyone who does have sex before marriage. Does premarital sex mean you go to Hell? I should point out that a friend of mine passed away recently, unmarried but with a 3-month-old daughter. She was nearly 20, and if she hadn't slept with her partner she wouldn't have had her beautiful baby girl, and she would have died without ever knowing the kind of love she had for her fiancé and her child. I'm seriously not trying to be mean, I'm just really curious about religion and faith.

Sorry for that weird ramble :)

Permalink Reply by Jordan E on February 23, 2011 at 4:58pm

I didn't mean to say that everyone who is sexually active before marriage will get STDs, I'm just saying that if you wait it's one less thing to worry about.

I would say that the intimacy and fun is made better when saved for one person, and it isn't as special as it is when you save yourself for marriage. I would only freak out if I was a virgin and my husband wasn't, but if he is, too, then it isn't so much of a big deal.

It is totally not my place to condemn people who have sex before marriage, so don't worry about that.

As far as "does premarital sex mean you go to Hell?", I'm going to answer that in a message to you cuz I don't want to get into that here. Sooo be waiting for a message in your inbox!! :)

Permalink Reply by Nathanael Thompson on February 22, 2011 at 3:39pm

I have such a large response for this, so I'm going to condense this as much as possible.

The truth is, you can't classify all men into one single category, we don't all like the same things. And just because something isn't our favorite doesn't mean that we don't like it. That was the vaguest sentence ever written. Allow me to clarify, just because I like chocolate ice cream doesn't mean it's my favorite. In fact, if I could only eat chocolate ice cream for the rest of my life and have no ice cream in the world, I'd be ok with that. Sure I might be tempted by my old, favorite ice cream(s), but the fact of the matter is that as long as I like ice cream, I'm going to be perfectly happy eating chocolate ice cream.

So let's apply that to people. I like nice, coffee-drinking, curly-haired, big-hearted, big-brain musician types. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that they are my favorite type. However, that doesn't mean I can't fall in love with the girl who eats more ice cream than is healthy for any human being, or the girl that spends too much time talking about doing things instead of doing them. You don't have to appeal to someone's personality completely for them to like you. As long as you share something, anything, in common, there's always hope for a relationship.

Now, that being said, if you are too different from someone's personality type then there is bound to be friction. You shouldn't force yourself to be with someone who you just absolutely hate. I'm pretty sure that's not Kosher.

As far as the secret code thing, there is actually some truth to that. An 18-year old man, unfortunately, usually only has one thing on his mind, and being an 18yo woman living in America, I think you can figure out for yourself what that might entail. This "secret code" is usually guys either trying to get into your pants, or in the case of the more honorable men, they're trying to show that they like you and might like to date you. I think John (or Hank, I can't remember now) Green himself summed it up best when he said something to the effect of, "men are born needy. However society tells us that we as men cannot act needy. So when we let it show, it kind of comes out in a horrible, ugly mess."

There's a large amount of truth to that statement, men are needy, we just hide it lest we become vulnerable and potentially very hurt. That's why when you ask a guy to "open up", it's the emotional equivalent of pulling teeth with a dirty plunger. We are psychologically protecting ourselves from being hurt (usually because we were hurt by a woman in the past, but occasionally this wall is built from some other traumatic event).

So what do guys want in a girl? It's difficult to generalize to all men, but we want a partner. Someone who we know will love us even when we screw up. Someone who will pick us up when we are fallen instead of laughing at our misery. I know I said it already, but being a partner is a really large part of it for me. You wouldn't want your business partner to punch you in the face and take your money would you? The same could be said about wives. The problem is that most men have bottled up their neediness or rejection for so long that their hearts become calloused, myself included. For alot of guys, that emotional torment manifests itself by trying to constantly trying to "get laid" or become "commitophobes". Its usually just an outlet for some source of pain that finds no other way to come out.

I could write a freakin thesis on this, but I think that's all for now.

If you have any questions about men and dating in general, feel free to ask, it's something I spend a lot of time thinking about ^^

Permalink Reply by Jordan E on February 23, 2011 at 9:07am

Holy crap that was long. ahahaha

I think it's totally okay to go for someone that's outside your general "type", and you shouldn't focus too much on little things because there might be...different flavors of ice cream that you like just as much as the next. :P I do think, however, that having standards is important and if there are certain things that you KNOW you want in a relationship, you shouldn't compromise them.

I understand your point and get that sex is an outlet for guys who have been through emotional pain, I just think that's kind of...I don't know. Stupid. But that's coming from a girl who is wired like a girl and doesn't really get what goes through guy's brains, so.

It would seem that a lot of the "partner" qualities that you've shared are ones that girls want, too, hence why I asked the question in the first place. It really comes down to, if we want the same things, what's the problem?!?!

Thanks for writing such a lengthy, thoughtful reply!!!

Permalink Reply by Nathanael Thompson on February 23, 2011 at 10:29am

Yeah...I kind of got lost in the forest of my own thoughts. A whole lot of what I meant to say didn't actually come out.

What's the problem? For me, consistent rejection seems overwhelming apparent. Women don't get the chance to know who I am, or even give me the chance to explain myself. There are all these love songs that give women this romantic notion that there's only one guy in the world that they can love, which those of us in this discussion know is just flat out not true.