Nerdfighters

So this is the prologue to my novel and I would love to hear some feedback from you guys. I appreciate honesty and meaningful constructive criticism. 
 



    I’ve never done drugs.

      I’ve just never seen the appeal to things like that. The ‘excitement’ just isn’t there for me. Drugs? They really aren’t my thing.


  I’ve never been on a boat before either. All the rich kids around here have big fancy yachts that they ride around in all summer. The beautiful girls sit on the deck working on their tans while pretty, shirtless boys drive them around.

   

    My family doesn’t have a yacht. My family isn’t rich, either. We just ended up living in this neighborhood because of my mom’s job.
  

  I’ve never thrash-danced in a mosh pit. I’ve never dived off a high dive, and I’ve never stolen anything from anyone. I’ve never gotten into a fist fight, and I’ve never been attacked by some sort of wild animal. I’ve never been out of the state. I’ve never chatted with a stranger in an elevator. I’ve never chatted with a stranger period.

  To cut things short, I’ve never been spontaneous. To be honest, I’ve never been anything but normal, dare I say
bland?

 

       My life has become dull very quickly. The worst part of it all; I’m only eighteen years old. How does your life become unbearably boring at age eighteen? I don’t really know how it
happened.



  I’m not a loner, if that’s what you’re thinking. I have a couple of friends that I hang out with on occasion. I suppose you could consider Jenna and Nicole to be my “best friends.” They’re probably the only kids raised in this town who were taught to not shun the middle class people around them, although, Jenna isn’t quite as polite as
Nicole. I suppose she’s one of the many around here that considers anything
less than six figures an unfortunate living.


  But I learned to live with the rich kids at this point. Really, Nicole and Jenna were pretty good friends. They tried to include me as much as possible, even though I usually declined. Jenna and Nicole were a part of the party scene. Of course, I wasn’t interested in any of that. A lot of the time I would rather sit at home by myself.

  Contradicting my earlier statement; this might make me somewhat of a loner.

  Isolating myself was an easy way keep myself sane. It was a defense mechanism I must have been born with. Though it
meant I wouldn’t get involved with any type of drama, it also meant I would cope with a terribly uneventful life.


 It didn’t help that I lived in a place where nothing ever happened.  I’ve lived in Point Pleasant for as long as I can remember. My mom works as an assistant
home consultant in our development. This basically means that she helps to
maintain all of the huge mansions in our neighborhood. I don’t know how exactly
she obtained the job. I didn’t even know that ‘home consultant’ was considered
a career. My dad works for some sort of business where he sits at a desk all
day and gets paid not to have an opinion. Although my parents are at the bottom
of the food chain of society, they are the two happiest people on this planet.
Really, Lexapro has nothing on the Taylor parents.


     My parents were sweet, but completely oblivious. I became stuck in time with nothing to do. I had no idea what I would do after graduation. My parents had only asked me once what I was planning to do and my answer was, “I guess I’ll take year to think about it.” How worthless I had become! It didn’t help that my parents had no idea how to encourage me. They were both always “proud of everything I did,” even if I did nothing. With their lack of parenting skills, I was left to fend for myself.

Where did that leave me? Sitting alone wondering what I would do next.


  The one thing that I had was my paintings. Even at this moment, you could probably find me in my room painting.
That’s pretty much the only thing I was truly interested in. Painting made my life feel fuller and less lonely. Every day was the same for me. I would suffer through school every day and pretend like it wasn’t the most miserable part of my existence, and every night I would sit upstairs and work on my latest piece. Things were always the same.


        Except the night Parker broke through my window.

Tags: adult, novel, prologue, tori, writer, writing, young

Views: 10

Replies to This Discussion

Okay, let's see. I'm not very good at critiquing things, so forgive me.

I think it started out well enough. Then, I think you kind of lost focus. Maybe this is just my personal tastes, but I prefer a prologue to be just a little vague, short, and to the point. I want only a few details.

My main problem was with the ending. It seemed really random to me. A bit abrupt.

Ad that is the end of my attempt.

First off, I really liked the way the writing flowed, even though I've never been entirely sure what I mean when I say that :P  I suppose what I mean is that all the technical aspects (word choice, etc) worked well.  I particularly enjoyed the narrative voice; the narrator seemed very real and very honest to me.  To be honest, I almost felt like I was reading something by John Green :)
Now, as for the whole "prologue" thing, I feel that this would actually work better if you expanded it into a first chapter.  This really isn't a prologue.  I'd suggest that you make this your first chapter instead of a prologue, and add the rest of what happens after Parker breaks in.  And minor thing: feel free to keep this the way it is if you disagree, but I feel that "Until Parker broke through..." would work better than "Except when..." 

If you do either expand this or just write more of it, I'd love to read it :) 

Mostly, I enjoyed this, however there were a couple of things that I felt could be expanded upon.

 

Where you say "Drugs?" at the begining, you might further qualify it with something like "why do people think getting poisioned is fun?" or something else. I know the charachter is supposed to be bland, but that doesn't exuse bland writing. When she says "Drugs?" with just that questionmark, it tells us very little. Why doesn't she like the idea? What about it repells her.

 

Also, I think you've focused too much here on what she doesnt like. I think if you do that too much you make her unbelievable as a character. She must have some things she enjoys, even if by most other peoples standards, they would be very very boring.

 

Also, the line "It didn't help that we lived where nothing much happened" or something like that, seems to be suggesting she laments her plain existance. I'm not really clear as to whether or not she likes or hates her life. She seems kind of resigned to it. It comes out more towards the end, but I don't know.

 

Also, does she have a sibling? It strikes me as v unbelievable that if she was an only child, her parents would take so very little interest in her. I think you need to focus, rather on them being bad parents, instead just parents who don't know how to get through to her.

I actually somewhat agree with Vertigo One... except for the parents thing, that's how my parents are, so I say you should just disregard what he says about that ;)

But on another note, your prologue starts out fine, but it just seems to go on for too long with her simply telling us every little thing that she does not enjoy. Sure, sets the mood for the character, but I find it's more effective, atleast for me, if we gradually find out these sort of things about the character, instead of simply clumped together and thrown at us all at once; and really, it must be said, she reminds me of Belle from Twilight (May that book burn in pieces) due to the EXTREME extent of her blandness.

But anywho, not bad. All and all I'd say that this was pretty well written :)

Thanks everyone! I do appreciate the feedback. It is long for a prologue, I do agree. And most of the things you have pointed out about her character are more throughoughly explained as the first chapter progresses, as you probably could guess. I just really want to get a feel for what others would think if they were just opening the book and scanning through the first pages. Thanks again for the honesty. :)
I'm gonna keep it short. This is great, and I can't wait to read the rest of it ;)

To begin with something positive, you had almost no grammatical errors, and I only spotted one or two minor ones. However, for a prologue, it seemed to descriptive. In most modern books, the prologue is just a couple of paragraphs, or maybe a page and a half, and they're always sort of a vague outline of the book. I think this would've been more "prologue-y" if you'd left out a lot of the details about your friends and parents and rich kids on boats and only left the general description of "I'm average and boring" and then used the rest of descriptions in the exposition of your story. 

 

And to end on a lighter note, I really like the way you ended it :D! It might just be what I personally enjoy to read, but I think short sentences kind of a leave a suspense that makes people want to read more. Plus, your ending sentence kind of contradicted the whole story, making it stand out a lot more and it made me go "WHOA WHAT?" and I personally think I would read this :)! Overall, it could be a bit shorter, but it's well written and fun to read :D!

Sorry this is so long xD

I liked the narrator's voice and the - I guess - quirkiness of the style. This kind of writing always makes me smile. The opening sentence immediately got me interested and pulled me in. The last sentence did, too. The plot seems really interesting. It actually sounds a little like something I'm (trying to) write right now, so that hit home for me. XD Also, there was a glorious lack of grammar mistakes. For the most part, anyway. But, hey, we're all human, right?

The one thing I didn't like, though, was the transitions or lack thereof. The way you wrote it did bring the character's personality out more in my opinion, but there's a way to do that more smoothly. She starts by talking about drugs and suddenly she's talking about boats and yachts and I'm sitting here thinking, "Wait, what? Did I miss something?" And sometimes this is ok, but I don't think it works when you've just been introduced to the character. You don't have to change all of them (or, well, any of them since it's your story), but putting some transitions in would be nice.

Also, I don't think this should be labeled as a prologue. It's not very prologue-y, at least not in the sense that I think of. I would just make it chapter one.

Anyway, this story has definite potential. So, good luck and keep writing! And sorry this is such a long post... ^_^'

I figured I would post this as well. It's a synopsis for the novel. I think it'll describe where I'm going with this.

 

Monday Lynn Taylor has never done anything crazy before. She has never had anyone, apart from all the spoiled rich kids surrounding her in Point Pleasant. Although she enjoys being alone outside the crushing wake of high school drama, at 18 years old she has always longed for something exciting to stumble upon her average little life.

 

All of that changes the night Parker crashes through her bedroom window.

 

With a moment of insanity, Monday gets swept up by a strange, yet gorgeous boy and his three friends who are on a mission to complete their post-high school-graduation bucket list that takes them up and down the East Coast. It is on this crazy adventure that Monday learns a whole new meaning for the word spontaneity. From crashing a wedding to seducing a police officer, the list has no boundaries. It doesn’t just lead them to do outrageous things, but it also helps Monday realize what she has been missing in life; a friendship with absolutely no limits or bounds.

You had me at seducing a police officer... I WANT TO READ THIS NOW!
I second that...that actually sounds awesome, i would LOVE to read that :D
I feel as if prologues should be more intense, and with less detail. This seems more like a beginning chapter to me, but that is just my opinion. Also you have some work to do with your grammar, but nothing you can't fix with some peer editing. All in all I would read what you have to write, and would love to know how the girl finds a new and more interesting life with this Parker fellow. Good writing!

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