I Need Feedback!!

[Kyra]

I recently wrote this story and I was wondering if someone could give me feedback on it. Im open to all ideas!

      As the rain poured down around me, I stood there in the middle of the street watching you walk away under your favorite umbrella. I yelled I’m sorry into the grey distance hoping you would hear me and turn around. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. Not us. As you turned into a speck in the pouring rain, I stood there paralyzed by my thoughts. This day would be forever burned into my memories...

 It’s been three years since that pouring, grey day. No one ever found out what happened that night. Every ear on this day since that horrific night I refuse to go to school, except this year. As I wandered through the crowded halls I could feel the eyes burning into my back and hear the constant whispers about my presence like water raging in my ear. To make matters worse, I saw you in a group of people. You stood out like a black sheep in a field of white. Our eyes simultaneously locked, and my mind flashed back. It flashed back to that day that started so good.

      I woke up that morning ages ago with my eyes crusted shut. As I eased myself out of the cocoon, I call my bed; I saw the grey haze of a rainy day outside my window. “Man,” I thought to myself, “I love rainy days.” With the happiness induced by the scene outside my window, I proceeded to get ready for school.

      When the clock struck 7 I strutted out the door feeling like a million bucks. It seemed like a life time before I got to school to see you. Upon arriving, I found my friends. We talked among ourselves until you entered the room. When I saw you, I felt as though I was in a movie. It was like the whole room went still and dark, and a spotlight shown upon your golden hair. You walked towards me and kissed my check. The warmth of your lips lingered on my cheek. As we waited for the bell to ring, you were glued to my side. Eventually the bell wailed, and the mob of students flooded the halls. You gave me one last kiss and whispered, “I love you”, into my ear.

      While I took the journey to class, I could feel myself glowing. I thought it was going to be the most perfect day. As the hours dragged on and teacher’s lectures droned on like a car engine in the distance, I could only think of you. When I arrived to my last class of the day, I saw a note and a flower on my desk. Happiness flooded my body and a fell into my seat. It was the sweetest note from you. Everyone crowded me and asked where I got the delicate white rose. I was too overwhelmed to explain. As that last class ticked on minute by minute, I was eager to see you.

      Finally, the bell let out its last exhausted ring, and I sprinted out of class. There was no way for me to get to you sooner. When I saw you standing in our usual spot I couldn’t help but to leap into the comfort of your arms. The familiar scent of cologne and coffee entered my nose, and I felt like I was in heaven. We walked hand in hand to the bus where we gave a quick goodbye in the light mist, then went our separate ways.

      After my long school day, I finally arrived home. When I got home I changed into my comfy clothes and sat with warm tea on the couch listening to the patter of rain on the roof and watching it fall in sheets outside the window. Just as I got comfortable I heard the slam of a car door outside my house. Then came a loud banging on the door and you barged in. I could see the rage burning in your eyes and couldn’t understand. Before I could even say hello, you were on some rant about something I couldn’t understand. Then you looked and me and asked why. You kept asking me why. “Why?! Why?! Why?!” You repeated it like a broken record. The rage into your eyes turned to tears. Then you crumbled into the chair in the kitchen and still kept asking me why.

       As you fought through your shaking hands, you pulled out your phone. There in black and white was a text from a random number saying I cheated on you. Even though I’d never admit it, we both knew it was true. I should have known you would have found out.

      I quickly became speechless. You slowly arose and in a calm voice asked me the question. You asked me the question I was dreading. You asked me to pick you or the boy. My mind was drowning in thought, and I could not think quick enough to decide. You broke the sad silence and said fine, just stay with your new love. This was the end of us. Before you could cry again, you ran out the door, grabbed your favorite umbrella from my house and started out the door. Before I could even say you couldn’t have my umbrella and explain to you, you were out my door. I followed you out and stood there with tears running down my face like drops of water running together when a car is driving fast in the rain.

      As the rain poured down around me, I stood in the middle of the street watching you walk away under your favorite puma golf umbrella. I yelled I’m sorry and that I pick you into the grey distance hoping you would hear me and turn around. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. Not us. There are some many things I wish I could tell you now. But it’s too late. If you every read this I want you to know I will always love you, and if I got to pick again I would pick you.

[David N]

I very much like your story. You are a master at mood, tone and word choice. If anything, I would suggest adding on to it. By itself, it is already good, but it leaves me wanting more. The cheating is thrown in rather randomly, like a surprise. Even the narrator seems surprised and taken aback by it. Perhaps a backstory explaining the cheating? I'm not sure, it's up to you.

I have attached your manuscript, edited by myself. I took the liberty of making minor grammatical, spelling and syntactical corrections without marking them; I hope you are alright with this. I didn't see much point in pointing them out, just correcting them. Other suggestions and bigger changes I would suggest making I market with a bracketed number [1-13], which leads to footnotes I made below the document. Please, don't be intimidated by the number of corrections; they are not an indicator of quality. Overall, your story was excellent. All of my suggestions are minor, most are stylistic and all can be ignoring completely if you feel I am wrong, as I point out in the document. It is your story, and as the author, it is your job to determine what goes and what stays. If you cannot read the file format, please tell me and I will attempt to fix it. Lastly, title the story if you haven't already.

Overall, excellent story. I love your use of tone and word choice, the way you convey mood and the way you set up your characters and plot. I look forward to seeing more from you.

[Kyra]

Thank you so much for this suggestions. Many of the spots you pointed out I was a little unsure of myself and did not know how to fix. For adding backstory about cheating, where would you add it??? I will attatch an edited version and bold the areas I changed. They are all the areas you had critiqued. Again, thanks!

[David N]

You are very welcome. For the backstory, I am not sure. As the author, you must make that choice, if you will add it at all. To keep the structure basically the same, you could have a short/long flashback right after he mentions he cheating. Or perhaps add something like, "He held up the phone, and before my eyes registered what he was pointing to, I knew. I knew. [insert brief, choppy flashback to cheating]." Or you may have to re-format entirely. I'm not sure. I can't help so much with major changes like that.

I think you fixed a lot of the errors very well, and it looks better overall. A very few of your corrections, however, were one-off, whether by a word or by a word sequence. I un-bolded ones that I think worked well, and bolded the slight corrections I made, adding footnotes to point out what I did.. Once again, you can choose to keep or leave these. My eleventh footnote was not addressed, which I also bolded.

[Kyra]

I really liked those changes. Ill work on a flashback section and post it if I come up with one I like. You are really good at this stuff so if I ever need any more help on stories I'll be sure to come to you. Thanks!