Short Poem - Feedback would be lovely!

[Kristen]

This is my first time ever writing without a very structured, rhyming pattern. I just thought I'd give writing free verse a shot, and this was the result.  Please let me know what you think and be sure to let me know if you've got any suggestions for improvement in the future.  Thanks!

 

The day is drawing to an end. 

The sun has lazily drifted below the horizon.

The moon has taken its throne,

Ready for its reign in the sky. 

 

The night is soft and dark overhead,

Punctuated by the beaming stars. 

They wink down clumsily at you,

Bathing you in their muted light.

 

With the proud moon above

And the tickling grass below,

And the sound of silence that covers it all,

You are perfectly calm.

 

Your heart beats in a peaceful,

Strong, steady rhythm. 

Your eyes are shut,

Though you are not blind

To the magnificence all around you.

 

 There is no one near,

And no sounds break the seal of quiet

That binds this scene.

But you are not alone.

 

Every star in the heavens is with you. 

Every shade of deep blue

In the night sky is your companion. 

Every blade of grass

That rustles in the breeze,

Every wink and sparkle of the happy moon,

Every second filled

With that comfortable silence:
These things are with you now. 

 

They are by your side,

Bonding together in solidarity.

Though you are by yourself,

You are not alone in the slightest. 

[Nora]

I'm sorry I can't give you any suggestions on how to improve it. One, because the only thing I know about poems is how to read them and if I like them or not. Two, because I like this one, and I don't see anything wrong with it. At all. Honestly, I think it is really really good! While reading it I kind of imagined the setting around me to a prefect calmness and it made me feel really nice. And considering I was listening to loud rock music while reading it, I think you made a fairly good job. :)

[Madeleine Francis]

Great poem! It is beautiful! I'm disinclined to critique it at all, but since that is probably your intention in posting it here: your use of 'you' is great, but the beginning feels a little but rocky and incongruous. It feels like we (the readers) should know from the very first line (maybe even the first word) that we are being addressed directly. Of you're doing the 'you' thing, go with it! If you don't want to change the beginning, you could also figure out a subtle and clever way to imply that you are adressing me personally, instead of the outright 'you.' I went on a bit there, so it sounds like a lot of criticism, but I love the point you make with this poem, and your phrasing is beautiful (ie. "Bathing you in their muted light")