so recently, i heard about this #100happydays thing.. basically it's about finding at least one happy moment/thing in your day, even if it's small and simple take a picture that refers to this happy moment.. you share it ..and repeat the same thing every day for 100 days .. 

I liked the idea , since " i decided a while ago not to deny myself the simple pleasures of existence " ! .. 

On the day i started this happy days thing -which was today- they informed me at work that i should start decorating cakes for Father's Day .. 

So i didn't say anything .. i just laughed .. then i felt like i am about to choke with my own breath .. 

Because apparently, it's not only that i'm gonna make cute cakes for other people's fathers, while my heart is literally going to pop out of my body and runs by itself to the manager's office to tell him that i quit .. and then just explode automatically .. No ! the theme was " Star Wars " which is .. was my dad's ultimate #1 movie series of all human history ..

yup .. How Ironic .. I know ..

For one thing, i have no clue how many days i still have on this weird thing so called Earth ..

nor how many days of them are gonna be " Happy Days "..

What i know .. that i wouldn't even blink when i give away all the time that's left for me just if i could spend a week with my dad wait .. since i'm talking hypothetically let's make it a month .. that's a pretty good deal .. 

Me, My sister and our parents ..

and because that's impossible .. I promise you dad, that i'm gonna keep pretending that it's not .. 

I'm gonna keep pretending that you're still here.. that you have never left .. as much as i can ..

I'm gonna be the same girl you know .. the same girl you always used to love ..

For the last year and a half i became my own grieve ! .. and i hate that . i hate it hate it ..

I can't recognize the way my eyes stare at me when i'm looking at the mirror .. i'm only the girl who lost her father and nothing else ..

Even The idea of being in the future with a man that knows nothing about you scares me .. how am i supposed to talk about you .. about the man you were .. to him ?..  how can i describe you ?  or describe what you mean to me ? to someone who will never understand .. while he's supposed to ..

probably that's why i'm spelling these intimate words in front of complete strangers .. it's easier because they don't have to understand .. 

You probably want me to live with that and ignore this feeling .. but come on dad .. we both know that you made it difficult for me to find a real man in this world other than you.. not for the way you treated me as a daughter and friend .. but for the way you treated my mom as a wife and most importantly .. best friend .

You will always be my man .. 

I love you .. i love you and God .. i miss you so much ..

In the end .. although i believe i'll never gonna experience a happiness such as the one when the four of us used to be together under one roof ..but just in case you're watching me right now .. i don't wanna make it any harder for you than it already is .. 

look i'm not saying i'm gonna continue with this #100happydays thing ..i mean for the love of God we all know deep down that unless you have some kinda switch to turn your emotions off won't be able to sincerely go on for 100 days on a row .. However, i promise to give it my best shot .. Every.Single.Day for the rest of my life ..

so here is day #1 .. although " Happy " would be the furthest description from reality .. but for a moment today .. you were here .. or i was there ..i'm not quite sure .. However, it's enough for me .. 

may you rest in peace .. hopefully you will .. i'm gonna work on that too .. 

your first Daughter 


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Comment by Dana Maff on June 11, 2014 at 8:26pm

Anna Soltis Thank you :)

Comment by Dana Maff on June 11, 2014 at 8:25pm

Mark Smith .. then you know what it's like .. thank you so much for your honest words .. i really appreciate it :)

Comment by Anna Soltis on June 11, 2014 at 9:56am

This is beautiful. 

Comment by Mark Smith on June 11, 2014 at 3:01am

I pray to you father's soul may he rest in peace. such a beautiful words to say about your father, I hope one day that I will be a good father myself and have such a talented girls who will remember me always.

When my father died a realized immediately that my life will never gonna be the same, even if I wanted it to be. after one week from his death I saw him in a dream, he was rushing through the front door into the house looking for me, and when he found me he just hugged me tight for a moment and cried, and then he took my face between his hands and said "son, I'm very proud of you". then I woke up.

It felt SO real that I could still smell him and feel the touch of his hands on my face for hours, that dream made me believe that I'm supposed to do something in this world that will make my dad proud.

Try to make your father proud Dana, and most importantly don't let your grief on you father make you forget about your mother. and one day all of you will be gathered again in the heaven, but this time it's just you and happiness.

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