Sick..

no, not with swine flu you silly. Although a few local highschools HAVE been closed.. anyway, I feel downright sick with nostalgia.

Today is someone's birthday. Someone who is very dear to me, although I'm too cold to show it. We're both too careful & reserved too show it. Happy birthday :o) <3

I'm remebering a time 4-5 years ago. At the tender, naive age of 13. Things were so simple, but they still seemed so irrationally complicated. I thought I was so damn cool. I loved myself. What a virtue to have. To be able to take yourself as you are. Even if you're 5' 3" & a size fourteen, still thinking you're hot shit & being charming enough to make people actually believe that you were.

I'm remebering being 14. & taller/thinner. 5'6" & a size 6. Wearing pretentious guitar tshirts & ribbons in my hair, trying to be a punk kid..when in truth, I would have rather been spending time with the one who knew me best, simply sipping lemonade & enjoying the sunshine. Making stupid mistakes with my "friends". They're people I'm disgusted by now. I don't associate with those people. I met better company, all of whom I loved.

I'm remembering being 15, 5'7" & a size 4, & ruining something epic by asking a completey psychotic question. I don't think there is a word to describe the stupidity, idiocy, insanity, maybe even demonic posession that feuled that question. I didn't become aware of how much of an impact this question would have on my life until it was too late. I got the answer I wanted &, for a while, I was happy. I don't think there will ever be a happiness as true & bright as that in my life again. That's ok with me. My happiness now is less intense, but I value it.

I'm remembering being 16. Or trying not to. The worst year of my barely lived life. Is it possible to burn out at 16? I think I did. The final 2 months of being 15 emotionally destroyed me. It's about perspective. It's easier to be the one who leaves, than to be the one left behind. The feeling of abandonment is scarring. It changes people. It leaves them somewhat empty. That's all I can say about it. I lack the courage to further elaborate.

Now I'm 17. The same size I was at the age of 15. Maybe a bit taller. Notice that I literally shrank as I got older. I'm happier. Not empty. Turning 17 felt liberating. Like being free of that sick, cliche age of 16 would make me less ill. & hey, it did. I feel more focused now. A friend told me earlier today that last year, I always looked tired & panicked. Spaced out. He noticed that I didn't like speaking. He said that this year I look bright & happy. & prettier. I'm not used to having people be that honest with me about last year. It was surprising. I wonder what my face looked like every day. The expression I wore, I mean. I've asked people & they never give me a straight answer. I would like an answer please.

The nostalgia that I feel is for the time before the age of 16. Everything trivial was a huge deal. I was so young & innocent. I didn't know any better. I tried to fit, but it didn't work so I sought comfort. I am sick with nostalgia because I remember that sweet comfort that I won't ever have again.

I've found that as I get older, life gets better. It gets less complicated. Breathing gets less complicated. I feel very non chalant about things & I like it. I've gained patience & self control. Wisdom as well. I'm aware of who I might want to be. I'm no where near knowing who I am yet, but I'm getting there. It gets easier. It gets easier to make a good decision, or to not make a decision at all. It gets easier to handle things. You get more organized. You get happier. The emptiness goes away. It's nice.

Everyone deserves to be happy. Even you. Yes, YOU!

End.