An Abundance of Thoughts about an Abundance of Katherines: The Last Chapters

[Frank Leigh Grace]

            Oh wait, Colin is a virgin?  I thought, from the way he and K-19 seemed so comfortable removing each other’s clothing and being in Colin’s bed….

            “I AM BREAKING UP WITH YOU.  Gorgeous.  Please tell me that’s TOC under there.  Except this could turn really terrible really quickly.

            Yep, it is TOC.  Wonderful.

            And because Colin likes Lindsey, he’s super upset, like Harry’s inner monster roaring at Dean because Ginny.

            Record.  I knew that was going to come in handy.  Good job, Hassan.  Good thing y’all know Arabic, too.

            And now the question.  To tell, or not to tell.  And you like Lindsey.  Don’t effing forget it.  Don’t effing forget me. 

            God.  This is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a guy liking me back, and it’s not even me.  It’s a fictional character with my name.

            Pathetic.

            And here we go.

            Good girl.  Get him in the goods.  Please tell me JATT isn’t dead.  Please tell me JATT is okay.

            “All hurt is brain hurt.”  That’s interesting.  What about heart hurt?  Is that also brain hurt?  I mean, yeah, I guess, cause technically the “heart” doesn’t feel anything—emotional pain is felt in the brain, too.  But that makes it sound as if you can control it.  Can think, there is no pain, and have it be gone.  And that’s not so.  Right?

            Okay.  JATT’s okay.  Good.

            “In the brain.”  Let’s hear the new Eureka.  I looked up Franz Ferdinand anagrams, but I don’t get what Colin’s saying.  None of them appeared to make much sense.  I guess I’ll turn the page.

 

(seventeen)

 

            Lindsey reminds me of Lauren in that she has an asshole ex-boyfriend.

            Oh, poor Lindsey.  Alzheimer’s sucks.  Lindsey’s reminding me of me because she’s sobbing.  I’m not sobbing right now, I mean.  But I do sob a lot.

            See, the death just looms in this book.  It’s just everywhere.  Somebody’s going to die.  Maybe Mabel.  Now I’m thinking Hollis, again.

            Really?  You gotta bring up Lindsay Lohan?  Sigh.

            See, Lindsey?  You’re not full of shit.

            Yeah, Hassan.  Way to go to college!

 

            This book could conceivably have ended right here.  People would be pissed off because there’s not a whole lot of closure, but there’s some.  The theorem’s finished.  Hassan is back to normal but going to college.  Lindsey doesn’t think she’s full of shit, probably.  Colin is still Colin.  But we don’t know about Hollis.  Onward.

 

(eighteen)

 

            Yeahhhh you like her.  Predict it.  I dare you.  Predict you and Lindsey.

            He didn’t exactly want K-19 back anymore.  There you go.  Good Colin.  Now go date Lindsey.  Please.  I want my name to get the guy.  Now that her awful boyfriend’s out of the way, it actually stands a chance at happening.

            And there we go.  There’s Hollis’ answer.  Wonderful.  Still, I feel like Hollis should at least tell her employees there’s trouble. So that they know.  So that they can start looking for other jobs, or see if they can make other jobs in Gutshot.  So that it doesn’t come as a terrible tragedy five years down the road.

            And Hassan is going to try to be a doer.  Good luck, my dear.  It’s difficult.  But I think I’m doing okay with it, now.

 

(nineteen)

 

            Aha.  Going to the secret hide-out.

            Ooh, he’s received a donor gut.  What do you know.

            “People are supposed to care.”  Yeah, I think so.  I hope so.

            We’re all self-centered, my friends.  Stop saying that, Lindsey; you’re okay.

            “How you matter is defined by the things that matter to you.  You matter as much as the things that matter to you do.”  Thanks.  I…appreciate that.

            Ohh okay.  That was the anagram secret.  No wonder the online anagrammer didn’t give me the answer.

 

The Beginning, and the Middle, and the End

 

            So wait, did he kiss K-11?

            “Telling that story made my gut grow back together.”  That’s why I do it, I think, David.  Keep looking back, I mean.  Write in a diary all the time.  Write things down.  So I can remember, so I can look back, so I can get closure and heal.  It’s important to look forward, but it’s also important to remember where you’ve been.

            He kisses way too many people.

            But YESSSSS.  Lindsey gets the guy!  I love you, John!

 

(epilogue)

 

            Four days.  Hmmm.

            “The future is unpredictable.”  No really?  But if only, if only it were less so.  But then I guess life would be a lot less interesting.

            And the stories matter.  You bet they do.

            Now THAT’s an ending.  Because you know what was in that ending?

            A Beginning.