coordination

[Lauren]

I realized today that I do not fit the typical mold of a Nerdfighter. Which is to say that I am an outlier amongst a community of outliers. Which is the slightest bit depressing. Anyway. 

Now, I promise you, I have many Nerdfighter qualities. I have a small group of friends, like to spend time alone, procrastinate like a boss on the internet, and find school subjects incredibly engrossing. I read manga, books on philosophies, and have an addiction to tea and Tumblr and am socially awkward and shy. 

HOWEVER. I am physically adept. I run nearly everyday and play indoor and beach volleyball. I have what many Nerdfighters lack and attribute to the popular cliques: athletic coordination. I find it easy. I am the odd one out on the team, of course, because I just don't find the Kardashians or Snooki that engrossing. 

And I'm fine with that. I mean, it does suck to not get invited to parties, but I can't imagine having any actual fun at those events. As an individual that stands outside of the gossipy grapevine of high school, there's nothing for me to talk about! I don't fit in.

But -- and this is shameful for me -- I play the part pretty well. I may not by socially active, but I can blend pretty well into a lot of crowds. I guess it's kind of a talent. I get the sense of who people want me to be and I just...be it. It's really hard to explain. Like a lot of things, this explanation sounded much better in my head. 

Having to "act" like this is incredibly embarrassing. Honestly, it's exhausting. And as a Nerdfighter...I feel like a hypocrite. Not all the time, though. When I'm home alone in my room or curled up on the couch in the early morning with a book in my hands or with my best friend or here on the ning trolling the forums but always being to shy to say anything, I am me. Nerdy, dorky, otaku, musical me. I could sit and practice my instruments until my fingers fell off. I could read until the dawn. It's just whenever I'm not with my best of friends, I slip into autopliot of blending in with the crowd.

Ugh. So many feels.

Damn theatre/musical/drama/band clique at my school. Why must you be so bitchy. I just want to have fun! I don't want to have to pretend I'm okay with things that I'm not okay with. I like rules. Order. Sure, bending them can be really, really fun, but overall? And you too, volleyball girls on my team. Why do you have to hate on each other so much? I might be the last person who should say this, but why can't you just say those things to their face instead of telling me, the mute medium who doesn't give her own opinion very often for fear of being tossed to the side and rejected?

Okay. Phew. /rant.