Hellboy 2 Gag Dub

[The Lemurian]

(An army base somewhere. A junior version of Hellboy is brushing his teeth. The word “FLASHBACK” appears across the screen in giant red letters a few times)
Little Hellboy: Daddy, tell me a story.
(Enter Doctor Bruttenholm, a thin guy with scraggly hair, scraggly beard, and glasses)
Doctor Bruttenholm: OK, I’ll just get that Giant Book of Forbidden Children’s Stories that I bought in Slovakia. And to tell the story, I’ll use these puppets I spent all week making. Ahem: “Once upon a time, the world had magic and stuff. But humans suck, so the elves, the wisest and most peaceful of races, tried to kill them all in a vicious genocide. Except they couldn’t, because the elves were all so beautiful and girly that they had a sucky army. So the head goblin came to their king, and said – (holds up a sock puppet on one finger; voice goes sqeaky) – ‘We can create an army to defeat the humans, using the ancient dark art known only as… Steam-Punk.’ And the elven king said – (holding up a bigger puppet, voice goes effeminate) – “That’s like soo great, we should totally do that.”. So then they made the Golden Army – (starts scattering clockwork soldiers across the bedside table, winding them up individually) – and they used it to attack the humans – (he has a stage prepared next to the bed, where a large number of human puppets are controlled by means of a single string in one of his hands) – but the Golden Army was too powerful and the human force was destroyed. The elven king was depressed by this, so he constructed a giant vault, and – (starts rummaging under the bed for something) – And –
Little Hellboy: Daddy, this is boring, and a little weird. I’m just going to go to sleep now.
Doctor Bruttenholm: But when you’re a famous paranormal investigator this might be useful!
Little Hellboy: An occult disaster based on a bedtime story? What are the odds of that?

*****

Talk Show Host: And we’re here in studio with Director Manning, of the Bureau of Boring and Completely Non-Threatening Paperclips and Patriotic Puppy Photos.
Director Manning: The Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense does not exist.
Talk Show Host: … Yeah, I didn’t say anything about that.
Director Manning: And Hellboy’s not real.
Talk Show Host: I wasn’t even going to -
Hellboy: (from behind a curtain on one side of the set) Manning! We gotta go, there’s just been reports that Space Hitler and his fleet of flying saucers are attacking the Empire State Building!
Talk Show Host: Who was that?
Director Manning: Nothing. No-one. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

*****

Liz Sherman: Say Director Manning, what happened to that skinny guy with the soulful eyes who joined the BPRD in the last film?
Director Manning: You know, I can’t remember. Abe Sapien, do you know where he is?
Abe Sapien: I don’t know where he is either. Hellboy?
Hellboy: Heh heh heh … I mean, nope, I have no idea either.
(pause)
Hellboy: What? Why are you all looking at me like that?

*****

Nuada: Hey! The humans suck, so as Prince I think we should kill them and steal all their stuff.
Elven King: Right. Fight the people who have nuclear weapons. With our magic spears. That is the single most un-fabulous idea I’ve ever heard –
Nuada: But we have the power of the Golden Army! With the Crown of MacGuffin, we can use the Golden Army to drive out the humans!
Elven King: You mean the crown that was broken into three parts, and each piece plastered with a note saying “Caution: Doomsday Weapon. Do Not Reassemble, PS We Are Deadly Fucking Serious About This”? That crown?
Nuada: Yes. Precisely that crown.
Elven King: Tell me, did you lose your common sense little by little, or did you just get kicked in the head one day?
Nuada: Oh, a little of both.

*****

Elven King: I have been killed! Killed by my own son!
Nuala: Oh, who could have foreseen this?
Nuada: My sister, you’re bleeding.
Nuala: It’s all due to this psychic link we share. Any injuries one of us sustains, the other gets as well.
Nuada: You mean you got all my training injuries?
Nuala: Yes, but fair’s fair, you got all my menstrual bleeding.
Nuada: So that’s what that was.

*****

Director Manning: Hellboy, we have to keep the paranormal a secret. Now, I know you like cigars, so can I bribe you to be stealthy with this box of expensive cigars?
Hellboy: Yes. As of now, I’ll be like a ninja. A red ninja, with a tail, and horns –
Director Manning: A 7’ bright red ninja with a giant stone hand, a tail, horns, and a coat that looks like a cape?
Hellboy: Yes. Exactly that kind of ninja. (walks away)
Director Manning: (smug) Yeah, I’m so clever.

*****

Abe Sapien: Help! I’m getting attacked by tooth fairies!
Hellboy: Well, that doesn’t sound so scary…
Abe Sapien: They’re fairies that eat teeth.
Hellboy: OK, now they sound scary.
Liz Sherman: Should I blow up the building?
Hellboy: No, better wait ‘til all the redshirts are dead.
Random BPRD Agent: Hey! That’s not nice!(dies)

*****

Director Manning: And so you see, the reports of tiny killer fairies in this building were caused by a fluke weather balloon entering the heliopause of the ellipse of Venus.
Reporter: (nodding sagely)Of course.
(Big explosion in the building. Something falls out the window and lands on Director Manning’ car, smashing it)
Reporter: What’s that? It’s some kind of 7’ red thing, with a tail, horns, a giant stone hand, and a trenchcoat that looks like a cape!
Director Manning: Weather balloons –
(Hellboy takes off his coat, revealing a shirt saying, “I’m Hellboy, bitches”. Everyone looks at Director Manning.)
Director Manning: - And… mass hallucinations are… Excuse me. I’m going to go home and self-medicate with ice-cream.

*****

Liz Sherman: Abe, I’m tense and feeling conflicted towards my boyfriend, so as the girliest heroic person in this film, I have to unload on you… I’m pregnant.
Abe Sapien: Y… what? You’re pregnant? But you’re an abomination against the sane order of the world, and he’s… interestingly unique. How can you have kids?
Liz Sherman: Dude, you're half-fish. You want to talk unfit parents?
Abe Sapien: … Well, this really is the sort of thing you should talk to the base therapist about.
Liz Sherman: I’m not discussing my body with a man!
Abe Sapien: So can I be excused?
Liz Sherman: No. And you can’t tell Hellboy either. Now sit down on the couch so we can do each other’s hair.
Abe Sapien: I don’t have hair.
Liz Sherman: Shut up.

*****

Director Manning: Abe Sapien, I think I’m going through an emotional breakdown because no-one listens to me, and then I have to be the bad boss. So you’re going to validate my self-esteem by listening to me moan about everyone else.
Abe Sapien: Isn’t there a qualified professional who can deal with stuff like this?
Director Manning: The base psychiatrist got bitten by one of the guys in Werewolf Management Division last week. Took early retirement. We’re advertising, but in the meantime, you’ll do.
Abe Sapien:… Can I have more money?
Director Manning: No.

*****

Director Manning: Because the villain got away, they’ve sent us this Johann Krauss guy. I don’t know anything about him, but his file from that wiki I found says he has a ‘businesslike attitude’ and an ‘open-faced honesty’ –
(Enter Johann Krauss; he’s a cloud of ectoplasm in a modified diver’s suit. Brief pause)
Director Manning: Oh. Um. Hello, Doctor Krauss, I’m Director Manning of the BPRD. We’ve heard so much about you –
Johann Krauss: Zat iz enuff talking. Show me vhere the lab is; I am eager to get shtarted. Schnell!
Abe Sapien: Say Director Manning, didn’t you buy a house through Wikipedia last month?
Director Manning: Yes, but there weren't any pictures on the article, so I haven’t seen it yet.
Abe Sapien: You should probably start preparing to ask for your money back.

*****

Hellboy: So, where can we look for information about elves?
Abe Sapien: According to this bookshelf I brought with me, we’ll have to journey to the mystic Troll’s Market, hidden in the meat-packing plant just before the turning for the Brooklyn Bridge in New York.
Hellboy: That doesn’t sound very mystic.
Johann Krauss: New York iss alvays mystic! Why do you think it gets attacked by so many monsters?
Hellboy: … This is true. So, do we go to the market?
Abe Sapien: Unfortunately, the bookshelf also says the entrance to the market is invisible. So we have no way of getting in.
Johann Krauss: Ah, but I packed these anti-magic goggles zat were made in the 19th century. Except ze maker vent mad soon affter making zem, so zhey’ve neffer been used.
Liz Sherman: Isn’t that a little bit dangerous for an important field mission?
Abe Sapien: Ooh, goggles! Yay!

*****

Abe Sapien: So how do the goggles work?
Hellboy: I dunno.
Doctor Krauss: Zhey focus light sroo a set of lenses, breaking up zhe image into multiple parts and zhen recombining them. In zis vay, any magic ‘glamour’ enchantment which makes shtuff hard to see is broken.
Abe Sapien: So if –
(Abe looks at Hellboy though the goggles; Hellboy has bigger horns and a fiery crown over his head)
Abe Sapien: Ahh!
Hellboy: Heh?
Abe Sapien: You have an invisible crown floating over your head!
Hellboy: Yeah, it’s all related to a bunch of stuff I did in the last movie. Just don’t talk about it too much.

*****

Abe Sapien: Gosh! An entire market full of mystic beings! Troll, undines, bowtruckles –
Hellboy: And none of them have any constitutional rights. I’m going to go beat up shopkeepers for info. You comin’?
Abe Sapien: …Why don’t I just leave you to it.

*****

Nuala: I am the Elven Princess Noo-Ala.
Abe Sapien: Huh? Oh, you mean your name is Nuala –
Nuala: No, it’s pronounced Noo-Ala. Because I’m special.
Abe Sapien: …right. My name is Abe Sapien and I’m a Secret Fish-Man for a Secret Military Organization. Also, I think I’m in love with you.
Nuala: Abe Sapien? Don’t make me laugh. What kind of a moron name is Abe Sapien?
Abe Sapien: (under his breath) Keep talking, special girl.

*****

Abe Sapien: Oh, but the last few hours were fun.
Hellboy: Yeah I got to beat the crap out of a giant blue monster. Why didn’t you help more, Abe?
Abe Sapien: I’m 5’10”, I enjoy reading W.B. Yeats, and I got punched into the wall by a giant blue monster, causing the elf princess to fawn over me. What do you think?

*****

Young Mother: Random monster guy, please save my baby!
Hellboy: I’m about to fight a giant plant monster –
Young Mother: But thou must!
Hellboy: Well, can’t argue with that.

*****

Nuada: Hellboy, join my ever-growing alliance of nonhuman mystic types. Yours would be a valued voice in the new order, second only to my own! And I’m far prettier than Terrence Stamp!
Hellboy: Well… I suppose you are quite girly-looking…
Nuada: And we shall then begin the first part of my manifesto to kill all humans.
Hellboy: OK, just changed my mind. No go.
Nuada: What? But my incredible girlish features!
Hellboy: Listen, mac, no offense to your or your girlish features, but that ain’t how I roll. The genocide bit, I mean, not the… Anyway.
Nuada: No! Some day you will kneel before me, Hellboy! You, and one day… your heirs!

*****

Hellboy: Haha, I have defeated the giant plant monster! Now to return the baby to its mother –
The Mob: Look! That giant red thing is using a baby as a human shield! Let’s throw cans at it!
Hellboy: Ah, the noble people of New York City. Better give the baby to this policeman –
The Mob: Look! That giant red thing is trying to bribe that policeman with a baby! Let’s throw cans at it!
Hellboy: Wow, humans really are total morons.

*****

Hellboy: Abe, now that we’re back at the base, I feel like doing manly stuff.
Abe Sapien: Will it hurt?
Hellboy: …What? No. Geez, Abe, I just wanna talk about my feelings.
Abe Sapien: So I ask again, will it hurt?

*****

(Hellboy and Abe get drunk and start singing loud romantic ballads. Everyone in the base can hear them)
Director Manning: Here I am, doing paperwork - What’s that sound? Oh, it’s Hellboy and Abe doing some male bonding. If only I were included…
Liz Sherman: Here I am, preparing for bed - What’s that sound? Oh, it’s Hellboy and Abe getting drunk and hugging. Awww…
Doctor Krauss: Here I am, doing German stuff – Vhat iss zat sound? Oh, it’s Agent Hellboy and Agent Sapien getting drunk after hours. In ze morning, I will give zem paperverk over this intrusion. (goes back to tinkering with the goggles) La, la, la…
Nuala: Here I am, in the library - What is that sound? It appears to be Abraham and Hellboy driving away evil spirits with ungodly noises. How noble!
Nuada: Here I am, infiltrating the base - What’s that sound? It must be those two fools I followed in, getting drunk and hugging. If only I were included…

*****

Nuala: Abe, help me!
Hellboy: Let that hot elf chick go! We’ll never tell you where to find the Golden Army’s Secret Headquarters!
Nuada: It’s too late, for you see, now that I have used my mental bond with my twin sister to gain all the information in her mind. (to Abe) Fish-Man, I now find you attractive. When I rule the world, you shall have a valuable place in the new order.
Hellboy: Not if I can help it!
Nuada: That’s a fair point. (stabs Hellboy in the chest with magic throwing knife) No, impaling you is not much fun. Abe will be far more fun. Until next time, Sapien!
Liz Sherman: How did he get through our defenses?
Director Manning: Well, he’s an elf ninja, you see.
Abe Sapien: Of course! How obvious!

*****

Abe Sapien: We have to take Hellboy to the Secret Headquarters near the Giant’s Causeway in Antrim, before he dies of his horrific magical chest wound. Quick, into the very shaky helicopter before Doctor Krauss finds out!
Johann Krauss: (stepping out from behind the helicopter) Damn I’m good.
Abe Sapien: Damn he’s good.
Johann Krauss: Taking Agent Hellboy out off ze base hospital is against ze rules, ant also qvite dumb. You shouldn’t do it.
Abe Sapien: But we’ve lived most of our lives under stressful conditions with unconventional constraints on our social and emotional growth!
Liz Sherman: Yeah, screw the rules, we have tragedy!
Johann Krauss: Your haphazard argument has svayed me. For you see, I haff an unshpecified accident in my past, vhich involves being married and turned into a blob off ectoplasm, and zherefore, not only vill I help you move Agent Hellboy, I haff to come vith you!
Abe Sapien: Yay for friendship!
Hellboy: My chest hurts.
Liz Sherman: Shut up. We’re going monster-fighting, and you’re coming with us.

*****

Liz Sherman: Wow, the Giant’s Causeway has a surprisingly large number of giant statues around it.
(A goblin comes from behind one of the statues)
Abe Sapien: Oh, wait, I brought the phrasebook. We can converse with it in its native language. Ahem: “Fawl-Che Row-Have, Uh Vhawshter. Abe Sapien Iss An-Im Dum. Cod Is An-Im - ”
Goblin: Aw, Jaysus, not more bloody Taigs.
Liz Sherman: Oh, that makes it much easier. Let me try: “Yo, shortstuff, my boyfriend has a chest wound and we have to find the Secret Headquarters of the Golden Army. Also, I can burn people alive.”
Goblin: Ah, so yiu’re Yanks. That’s fine, Missy. Don’t yiu wurry, Ah’ll get yiu tiu the hailp yiu need in no time.
Abe Sapien: “Taw Ahn Ghree-An Ag Spal-Pa – ”
Liz Sherman: Shut up, man.

*****

Goblin: Yes, he should be helpful.
(the group is met by an Eldritch Horror)
Liz Sherman: This is your big plan?
Goblin: Hey, yuir friend’s a flamin’ huige demonic fella with a magic chest wouind. Will we taik him tiu the NHS instead?
Liz Sherman: Fine, fine, we go here.
Eldritch Horror: I cannot help him yet.
Liz Sherman: Oh, for the love of –
Eldritch Horror: I cannot help him, for he is destined to bring about the End of the World.
Liz Sherman: But he’s all nice and stuff!
Eldritch Horror: Nevertheless, it is his destiny, and I cannot operate upon him without exceptional circumstances.
Liz Sherman: I can fry you alive.
Eldritch Horror:… yes, that should be sufficient. But the procedure is quite dangerous, so is there anything you want to tell him before I operate?
Liz Sherman: Hellboy, I pregnant… and you’re the father!
(pause as Hellboy lies insensate. Eldritch Horror feels his wrist or a second)
Eldritch Horror: Oh, he’s having a heart attack. That makes it easier. The blade can be removed if it thinks he’s already dead. Thanks, human female!
Abe Sapien: European medicine is strange.

*****

Nuada: Now I have the Crown of MacGuffin, I control the Golden Army. And nothing can stop me from… TAKING OVER THE WORLD!
Hellboy: We have to get the Crown off him!
Nuada: But that would be stealing, and therefore wrong! For you see, only a magic royal-type can wear the crown!
Abe Sapien: Um, purely for the sake of scientific enquiry, would the symbol of magic royalty be a sort of… floaty fiery crowny thing over their head, invisible under normal circumstances?
Hellboy: Abe, why must you ask questions that result in me getting punched?
Abe Sapien: I have a hangover. Bite me.

*****

Doctor Krauss: Wow, this fight is actually pretty cool.
Abe Sapien: Yeah. I mean, we have the Beast of the Apocalypse, who also happens to be the World’s Greatest Paranormal Investigator, fighting an immortal elf ninja from Celtic mythology, on top of a giant piece of active clockwork, for control of an army of steampunk robots and the fate of the world.
Liz Sherman:… I’m sorry, what? I didn’t hear you, I was too busy looking at my boyfriend wearing no shirt.

*****

Hellboy: I have defeated the baddie, and now own the Crown of MacGuffin! Now I will turn my back on the elf ninja, because nothing bad can possibly happen to me!
Abe Sapien: Hellboy, you’re monologuing again.
Nuada: But I still have a knife! And now I will throw it at you!
Doctor Krauss: Ghreat, now he’s doing it.
Liz Sherman: I think we’re all doing it!
Nuada: And nothing can possibly stop – ow.
(Nuada looks down at his sudden gaping chest wound, then across the room at his sister, who just knifed herself)
Nuala: (dying words) Must… kill self… Only way to save… hot fish guy’s… heterosexual life partner…
Nuada: (dying words) Oh no, my sister just turned into a cross between… Captain Kirk and… that mad girl from… “Hamlet”…
Liz Sherman: My boyfriend is alive!
Abe Sapien: My girlfriend is dead!
Doctor Krauss: I’m still a blob of ectoplasmic stuff in a diver’s suit!
Hellboy: You're all stating the obvious!

*****

Director Manning: We got here as soon as we could! Is everyone alright? ‘Cos if everyone’s alright, then I have to yell at you, and then moan about it to Abe Sapien for half an hour.
Hellboy: We quit!
Liz Sherman: Yeah, we don’t like all the crap we had to go through over the last 24 hours.
Abe Sapien: Thank God, I’m free!
(Hellboy, Liz Sherman and Abe Sapien walk off)
Director Manning: Um… Doctor Krauss, since you’re the smartest person in my immediate vicinity, I must tell you that I feel emotionally distant from my peers, and the recent –
Doctor Krauss: Bite me, Amerikaner. I’m going home.
(Doctor Krauss walks away. Pause. Director Manning looks at the BPRD agents standing behind him)
Director Manning: Agent Pryce, you got the highest score in the standardised intelligence test all Agents must take, and therefore you must stand in here while I talk about my –
Agent Pryce: (talking fast)Hey, look, magic rocks! We should catalogue them and stuff. Yeah! Magic rocks! Very important! Let’s all do that. Come on guys.
(Director Manning left standing on his own. He takes out a violin and begins playing very quietly)

*****

Hellboy: Hey, aren’t we unemployed now?
Abe Sapien: And weird.
Liz Sherman: And pregnant.
Abe Sapien: And all our training is in the field of monster-fighting.
Liz Sherman: And even then, all our references are classified top secret.
Hellboy: May be we should go back –
Liz Sherman: And listen to Director Manning’s moaning?
(pause)
Hellboy: No, let’s not go back.