So I am in Year 12, my final year of schooling and I’m freaking out. Some of you (probably the people whose entire future isn’t being determined by a number at the end of the year) are asking ‘why?’. Well, my carefree fellows, it is because of two main reasons:
While these points may seem conflicting, perhaps one bad, one good, that is most certainly not the case for me. For me they are both very negative. While I wish I didn’t have so much homework, I also don’t want this to be over. I have two weeks of holidays enough stuff to do to last me the entire term (and that’s just my homework and doesn’t include studying), I don’t want school to end. After thirteen years it will all be over and I’ll have to start thinking about university and jobs and leaving home and grown up things like politics and taxes. The future is uncertain and frightening.
I am a school captain and I know for sure I’m going to have to do at least three farewell speeches in the next 4 months and I’ll probably cry. It’s sad and scary saying goodbye to something so familiar. I cried on my last day of primary school, I blamed it on the sun stroke because of the end-of-year pool party, though. (I’m not emotionally unstable!)
But on the other hand I can’t wait to get rid of the burden of the work load of Year 12. You can get really good marks in Year 12 without being a genius, all you have to do is work hard. This is good because I am certainly not a genius but bad because I do love procrastinating (this is certainly proof of that fact). You know how they say that if you want something done, ask a busy person to do it? Well, I’m the opposite. My after-school schedule is clear so I should have plenty of time to do my homework plus three hours of study (yes, this is what they ask from us VCE students), right? Wrong because I have television and the internet and they are so distracting. Then when I am busy, I usually get stressed and frustrated and yell and scream and cry. (Yeah, maybe I am emotionally unstable...) But I haven’t (much), which is worrying me. For example, I had three or four SACs (School Assessed Coursework which goes to our end of year score. Don’t blame me for the crazy Australian system; blame the evil overlords of the VCAA!) and I was calm. It was like I was in a pool of tranquillity. This doesn’t mean I went ahead and study super hard and used my time efficiently and was organised. No, I had just adopted a sort of ‘whatever will be, will be’ attitude, which is great for me and my stress levels but not so good for everyone else’s expectations. Everyone expects me to get great scores (or to have a compete mental breakdown) and such but I don’t think I will. Before you start harping on about self sabotage through negative thoughts, let me explain. Doubting my abilities is a form of protection. If I convince myself that I will do poorly this year then my I won’t be disappointed if I do fail because it will be what I expected. Well, I’d still be disappointed but not heartbroken. And if I get top marks it will be a pleasant surprise.
I’m not crazy, no. Well, maybe a little but hey, I’m in Year 12.
The only reason I really want Year 12 to be over is so I can read again. I can count on one hand how many non-school related books I have read since January 1st, 2012 and that make me so sad. Then again, I only have myself to blame for choosing to do both English and Literature. What breaks my heart even more is the fact that when I do have free time (or procrastinate) I want it to be something that doesn’t require thinking. That’s why I have become obsessed with Tumblr. Funny gifs aren’t mentally strenuous work. I just want to read a good book but I can’t. I don’t have the time or brain capacity. The librarians at school are so disappointed when I come in to look at the new stuff only to sigh and leave only with a newspaper.
So this winter holidays, instead of curling up in front of the fire with a book (like Harry Potter! That is definitely a fire-side novel) I am re-reading the set texts a second, third or fourth time with pencil in hand read to add comments in the margins. While this has been a great way to procrastinate and whinge in a slightly therapeutic way (pffft, who needs a diary?), I better get back to it. The homework certainly won’t do itself. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and while the destination might seem uncertain, I’m going to stop before I embarrass myself further.