Have you ever had that feeling where you’re talking to someone, and everything seems to fall into place? Like, it’s something indescribable, but it makes you feel light and happy, and daring. It’s that feeling that makes you want to smile and never stop smiling, and you don’t care if that person sees you with blue sharpie cat whiskers drawn on your face, and you don’t care if they see you in your pajamas.
That’s how I felt last night. It’s been a long time since a guy, or girl, has looked at me with eyes that say, “I wouldn’t mind being with you,” and to feel like that’s happening again makes my heart feel light and fluttery on the inside.
But, because we are humans, nothing is perfect.
He wants to be in nerdfighterlike with you, but he can’t do long distance relationships, so you’re not technically boyfriend and girlfriend, and frankly, not being under the title of “His Girlfriend” worries me. I am not protected if another girl comes and steals his heart. He has every right to be with her and look her up and down, and whatnot, because he is not committed solely to your relationship.
Why does this scare me so much? Go to my other blog site, http://tymeknightisawriter.blogspot.com/ and read the post about my love life. Because even when you’re together and committed, the possibility of him being taken is still there, but less likely.
And after several hours of Skyping, we hang up, and he calls my cell phone, and we talk for a little while longer. And when he does finally hang up, I can’t help but hold the phone, hot and burning, against my ear and wish to hear his voice again, because it was so comforting and I want to fall asleep listening to him rant. He’s not boring, but he makes me feel... Different. He gave me something that Erik took away.
And yes, he lives in Indiana and I live in Virginia, and the distance could be much worse, and as soon as I turn 18, there is always the possibility that, because my parents can’t control me, I could go and see him.
I’m used to disappointment and having my hopes raised, and then crushed, and I’m used to waiting. And in a short period of time, all three things were set into play, happened, during an hour-long phone call. And I blame myself for letting myself get disappointed, and I blame myself for getting my hopes up and stupidly asking about if him and I are boyfriend and girlfriend-kind of together, or not, and his reply was so bittersweet.
So being in nerdfighterlike with him is probably the hardest thing I’ve been through since Erik’s horrible break up with me, and sadly, the confused feeling of being in nerdfighterlike with him will have to continue for a while.
He doesn’t make plans for the future, he doesn’t make promises about the future, and I understand that.
I just wish I didn’t feel so confused right now.