Random.

[M]

I'm in a weird mood.

I keep imagining my future. Or rather, what I hope my future would be like. I mainly daydream about the stage before marriage and children but after I've acquired my dream job. The time in my life where things have finally settled down and I'm ready for the next era to begin. I picture myself with an apartment in Japan, which I will eventually furnish and live in with the salary of an English teacher. I like the kids I teach. I have a kotatsu which I sometimes fall asleep under on accident. I get a little stressed sometimes, living in such a different country, not knowing the language well, but I can always retreat to my home and watch Fight Club on DVD (or read something, if I'm no longer into Fight Club and/or DVDs). I wonder about my future even then (yes, I imagine myself in the future imagining my future's future) and wonder if I'll move back to the States, my real home, or marry some gaijin or English-speaking native and live out my days in Japan. Will I want kids then? Will they be bi-lingual? Will I be scared to let them grow up in Japan, that group-dependent nation, instead of crazy, different-or-die America? I don't know. I guess I'll really worry about that when the time comes.

I wonder about how my students will see me. Will they like me? Call me by my first name? Or will I just be that strange, abrasive foreigner that they meet early on in life? I hope they don't find me too abrasive, although most would argue that it can't be helped. Will foreigners be more expected and accepted by then? Probably. The number has grown phenomenally over the past decade. Maybe by the time I get there I won't have to deal with 'No Gaijins Aloud' signs--although that's mostly thanks to rowdy American and Russian men, who like to drink and harass and women who are rather wary and shy as a rule. I'd like to think that by the time I get there--which, admittedly, isn't that far away--things will be somewhat different. Will they clamor to sit by me on the trains? No. Will they avoid the seat next to me? Maybe. Maybe not. You can never really tell. I don't think that all Japanese people are racist--rather, embarrassed by their lack of English skills and wary of stepping outside the group.

Another thing I think about is the hardships of living in a foreign, crazily different country. I'll be leaving brash, loud, and forward America and heading to serious, quiet, and reserved Japan. Not that either countries completely fit these stereotypes--some crazy shit goes down in both that refutes them. I hope that I can adapt and fit in (well, fit in as much as any gaijin can) while still keeping true to who I am. Which sounds disgustingly cliche and dull.

Oh well.