The Three Little Piggies
The Abridged Version
By Sarah Lenore
Once upon a time there were three little piggies. They lived at the edge of the wood, where they lived their lives with friendship and happiness. One day, they threw a raving party, with really loud music which violated the noise ordinance for the area. This royally pissed off their neighbor, the evil wolf.
When the three little piggy’s heard that the wolf was after them, they became very frightened, so they devised a plan. They would split up and each build their own houses to try and keep the wolf at bay.
The first little piggy wasn’t very smart. He saw a field littered with bales of hay, and he decided it would be a good idea to build his house out of the straw.
When the wolf came by and saw the first piggy’s pathetic attempt at a fort, he laughed to himself and bellowed, “Little Pig, little Pig, let me come in!”
The first little piggy trembled in fear as he replied, “Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!”
The evil wolf simply shrugged and then he huffed and puffed and when the straw hut had tumbled over, the wolf ate the first little piggy in one bite.
The second little piggy was smarter than the first and he built his house out of sticks. But while the house made of sticks was more architecturally sound than the straw hut, it was still highly flammable.
When the wolf came to the second piggy’s house, he laughed and yelled, “Little Pig, little Pig! Let me come in!”
The second little piggy trembled in fear and replied, “Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!”
So the wolf set fire to the second little piggy’s wooden hut, and had himself a good ol’ fashioned BBQ of smoked pork.
The third little piggy was the smartest of them all and he made his house out of 300 tons of reinforced concrete and iron plating. He also installed five sentry guns, two Gatling-gun placements and three sniper lookouts, and he hired some of his woodland friends to man the stations.
When the wolf came to the third little piggy’s house, he laughed and called out to him, “Little pig, little pig! Let me come in so I can eat you just as I have eaten your two friends!”
He ate lead instead. The end!