I've recently been re-reading (for what could most possibly be the tenth time) the phenomena that is 'Paper Towns' and somehow my reading experience has intertwined with my current predicament and alas! Here we have a very long winded, morose, incoherent, rambling blog post!
So 'Paper Towns'- Of course, it is as thought provoking as ever but what's recently been playing on my mind is the quote so delicately put 'I must always ask the dying man where it hurts as I can not feel his pain' (NOTE this is probably not the exact quote, I lent the book to my friend and despite the frequent return to it's pages I do not yet know it off by heart, However my point still stands).
Anyway the predicament- So this got me thinking, imagine a world where we could feel each others pain? Dauntingly I start Sixthform College next week and for some reason all I seem to be able to think about are several memories- albeit pretty dismal ones- from the torturous hell that was High School. Whenever I try to imagine myself sat in this new environment, I somehow feel on the verge of some kind of panic attack. What if it's the same, what if it's worse? What if I'm invisible, and spend two years alone? What if I end up- once again- feeling like shit about myself in every possible way a girl can feel, and this brings me nicely (in a very round about way) back to my initial point.
What if we could feel each others pain?
What if we didn't have to ask the dying man where it hurt. I assure you the world- or my world would be a better place, but alas we are stuck with empathy, the incorrigible, tempestuous bitch who is so seemingly absent in many a person. If you could feel how I feel when you tell me I'm ugly, I'm stupid, or annoying, to quite, to weird; a freak. When you make me feel like an outsider, when I have to sit through years of your mindless bullshit, if you could feel all that I can tell you now you'd think twice. But you can't, and that weird girl sitting alone in the corners feelings obviously aren't as important as your own.
However then I ponder, does thinking of all this make me as unempathetic as anybody else? Is it just part of the human condition to be insensitive and unattenuated to others, because I can easily say how someone hurting me makes me feel, but in saying it I fail to understand how it makes them feel! Does it make you feel better to treat somebody as inferior, does it give you more a sense of worth, I can never know because I am me, and you are you and I can't feel what you feel as you can't feel what I feel. It's like we're all stuck in some giant web of misunderstanding, and so much could be avoided if out fragile bonds would allow it.
I'm not even sure what I'm getting at any more here, I guess the inexplicable truth is I'm a bit frightened and I really believe that as humans our failure to understand, to see each other is our greatest weakness. Like Margo and Q, we're all mirrors, if you hurt me, you see your own gain and I see my own hurt, neither of us see what happens to each other. Ok this was a very long winded rant that started because I'm afraid to go to college and turned into some kind of railed attempt at getting my thoughts down on paper, or well, virtual paper.
I'm going to shut up now and get over myself, college will be fine...I hope.
Wish me luck! DFTBA,