The inadequacy of empathy.

[Eloise Pearson]

Greetings Nerdfighters!

I've recently been re-reading (for what could most possibly be the tenth time) the phenomena that is 'Paper Towns' and somehow my reading experience has intertwined with my current predicament and alas! Here we have a very long winded, morose, incoherent, rambling blog post!

So 'Paper Towns'- Of course, it is as thought provoking as ever but what's recently been playing on my mind is the quote so delicately put 'I must always ask the dying man where it hurts as I can not feel his pain' (NOTE this is probably not the exact quote, I lent the book to my friend and despite the frequent return to it's pages I do not yet know it off by heart, However my point still stands).

Anyway the predicament- So this got me thinking, imagine a world where we could feel each others pain? Dauntingly I start Sixthform College next week and for some reason all I seem to be able to think about are several memories- albeit pretty dismal ones- from the torturous hell that was High School. Whenever I try to imagine myself sat in this new environment, I somehow feel on the verge of some kind of panic attack. What if it's the same, what if it's worse? What if I'm invisible, and spend two years alone? What if I end up- once again- feeling like shit about myself in every possible way a girl can feel, and this brings me nicely (in a very round about way) back to my initial point.

What if we could feel each others pain?

What if we didn't have to ask the dying man where it hurt. I assure you the world- or my world would be a better place, but alas we are stuck with empathy, the incorrigible, tempestuous bitch who is so seemingly absent in many a person. If you could feel how I feel when you tell me I'm ugly, I'm stupid, or annoying, to quite, to weird; a freak. When you make me feel like an outsider, when I have to sit through years of your mindless bullshit, if you could feel all that I can tell you now you'd think twice. But you can't, and that weird girl sitting alone in the corners feelings obviously aren't as important as your own.

However then I ponder, does thinking of all this make me as unempathetic as anybody else? Is it just part of the human condition to be insensitive and unattenuated to others, because I can easily say how someone hurting me makes me feel, but in saying it I fail to understand how it makes them feel! Does it make you feel better to treat somebody as inferior, does it give you more a sense of worth, I can never know because I am me, and you are you and I can't feel what you feel as you can't feel what I feel. It's like we're all stuck in some giant web of misunderstanding, and so much could be avoided if out fragile bonds would allow it.

I'm not even sure what I'm getting at any more here, I guess the inexplicable truth is I'm a bit frightened and I really believe that as humans our failure to understand, to see each other is our greatest weakness. Like Margo and Q, we're all mirrors, if you hurt me, you see your own gain and I see my own hurt, neither of us see what happens to each other. Ok this was a very long winded rant that started because I'm afraid to go to college and turned into some kind of railed attempt at getting my thoughts down on paper, or well, virtual paper.

I'm going to shut up now and get over myself, college will be fine...I hope.

Wish me luck! DFTBA,

[Eloise Pearson]

Just reading back over this today make's me smile because it was my first day today and wow I met some amazing people, and sitting in Starbucks sipping my cappuccino with 3 amazing, lovely girls at 4oclock today I looked back on this and was like 'awh' because as it seem's I needn't have worried; still thank you for all your support and amazing opinions Nerdfighters I love you all lots and lots! So here's hoping the year continues as it did today because today was amazing. 

[Billy Hipwell]

I have just started my first year at college this year too so I wish you all the best of luck with that, I myself am just trying to reinvent myself a little as I worry my friends see me as very much of an extrovert however I am trying to make them more aware of my inner feelings. You put your thoughts across very well and I seem to be having some trouble doing that! I work very hard to keep the spirits of others up so at times people see me as attention seeking, but they don't often relate to me on the personal level I would like them to.

[Rachel Hodes]

I do think that that idea of a sixth sense where you can feel others' pain would be really interesting (and frightening).  The one thing it made me think was that in our society, the closest we can come to sharing someone's pain is our own recollection of that pain.  If for example, two people have a broken arm at the same  time, they are each feeling close to the same pain.  However, each is feeling their own pain, and is most likely thinking of themselves, not of the other person.  The challenge of that sixth sense would be to make it so that even the most selfish person would truly be feeling someone else's pain, and not just their own pain, which happens to be in the same form as the other person.  They would almost have to be the other person.

[Anna Lucy Benson]

Torturous hell? Ummm, I'm a freshman. I'm guessing that I should start preparing for the worst.

[Darky (Megan Boey)]

I hope college really is going to be fine for you! I am familiar with that feeling - it was a sickeningly intense dread for me, starting a new year in a new stream after two years of straight bullying, but I came out fine and things are much better now!

On emapthy: I think I agree with Paige about empathy being born more out of maturity than its lacking being just a facet of human nature, because I've found some genuinely caring people around me, even though they seem few and far between (it's consistent with the maturity levels in my current school environment, haha, so i think there's something to be said for it). Something I tend to focus more on when i think about empathy is how actively society just seems to be trying to crush it - where I am at least, empathy is valued on the surface, but alas, it always seems to be misread or discarded when there is an option for easy gain via harsh words, and it's really hard to watch, and it sucks.

I'm just really hoping that life after sixteen starts to rock because then I'll be moving on to a brand new institution, and hopefully empathy isn't as smothered there by selfishness as it is here. It feels like there's nothing much you can do but to wait it out, if things do become sucky, but I believe it all gets better. I hope I'm coherent! It's two in the a.m. and my brain's all fuzzy from maths,

[Paige Shoemaker]

Ugh. High school for me was horrendous. But, it gets better. All those wall that you build for yourself and that others build for you can be torn down and reconstructed into something new, or better, or better fitting for you. Not that it's easy, but it's better.

"Is it just part of the human condition to be insensitive and unattenuated to others, because I can easily say how someone hurting me makes me feel, but in saying it I fail to understand how it makes them feel!" - I feel that the lack of ability to be empathetic is a sign of immaturity and not a sign and symptom of the human condition. It's a sign of not being stretched as a person. And in some weird, twisted, horrible way, those of us that are more empathetic have had first hand knowledge of that stretching.

Duck said, "if we all were empathetic itd be impossible for society to continue because nobodies needs would be met"- But can't we be just a little more empathetic. I'm not saying have heart to heart breakdowns with the cashier at the store, but look that person in the eye. Say hello. Just generally smile at others. It's the little things that make the day better, not the big things.

Regardless, Eloise, Good luck at school!!