*I warn you now this is not a pretty tale, it has no happy ending, not yet at least. Read it if you can, for I doubt you will get very far. Stories of darkness never are very fun to read, and aren’t very popular either, but nonetheless they happen.
It’s going to be another sleepless night I can tell, but lately they’ve all been that way. For at night my demons attack the stupid things I’ve done. I wish I could get it out of my head, but it haunts me, pursues me, threatens my sanity, envelops me in cold hatred.
The song plays over and over again. A song I’ve come to hate, grown to detest. It reminds me of things better left unsaid. Terror of night makes my day much brighter, but lack of sleep has its toll. This thing, this monster I’ve created pounds upon my head, shrivels my heart, and poisons my air. The only things that make this monster stop is the sun, and fellow humans. They dispel the darkness that crowds my room. I loath this monster!
He doesnt let me forget, although, I much desire to. With sleep comes the nightmares, so powerful, so real, so dark, and dangerous. What I wouldn’t give to make these terrors go away. But I don’t know how, Although I have ideas. It’s like drowning in dark water; in dark water, deep under ground, no light, no air, no support, no rest. Just sinking down, down, down into the blackness of this monster’s heart, a monster I created…
What to appease this dark terror that prowls the night? I need something to cling to, something to pull me back, someone to hold me when the fear becomes too much. A physical presence to banish my spectral terrors, but no one comes. Nothing to do but lie awake in fear and despair. I sweat and shiver, toss and turn, then get up and pace; but nothing helps. Only dark strangers dance around my vision, strangers that I somehow know…
This terror grows stronger. I hate it with every fiber I have, yet, somehow that makes it stronger. I used to like it, I was friends before it stole away my nights. I wanted to foregive at one point, but it never diminished. This thing’s power kept on growing, and growing, and growing; and now I’ve come to hate him. This, monster! There is nothing left in me but to hate and sorrow.
It was sorrow, you know, that created this monster. Sorrow that consumed and burned its way, it pillaged my mind till it grew to hate too. Feeding off my fears and insecurities. I can no longer sleep, although reality isn’t much different from my nightmares. Only other people make it disappear, but only for a little while, then it comes back in full fury! It’s hatred almost matching that of mine!
I plead for people to stay, but they never do. It’s as if they feel the presence of this monster lurking behind my mind. They flee it, I don’t blame them in the least, but I can’t help but despair; for no one seems strong enough to help me conquer this beast. I need someone to lean on if I’m to make it through. So I dispair, for I am left to fight on my own, fight on my own though I have helped many win their own battles.
I am beaten down every night, but daylight restores some of what was lost, but not much. It eats away at my defences, stalks my mind, consumes my heart, and devours my control. I no longer weep, for tears do not help… but I burn out like a candle at the end of its wick, burning, burning, burning only to despair in darkness! Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no one to turn to, just me in the darkness, in fear and despair.
*I told you it wasn’t pretty, but you read on nonetheless, brave of you, perhaps, but you only read this, you don’t go through this nightly, you don’t feel what I feel. Because to you this is just a story, one you can shut when it becomes too dark to continue, but what if it becomes reality? How can you shut the book then? tell me that much.
(C) Copyright by Emily Erhart 2011
*I wrote this a while back, I am definitely better now. It took me a while to come to terms with my nightmares