Uuuuugghhhhhhhh

[Kieran Craig Pole]

I’ve been getting annoyed at myself a lot recently because of the things i do in life and the things that I want in life and I know that It might seem like the negative thing to do but it really is depressing me :/

I have decided that I wanted to start up this gaming channel and so I have wasted a good amount my time today uploading my first video only for me to then click on it and for YouTube to go “This video was too long and has been deleted…sorry about that”. Well thank you YouTube would it have not been nice to perhaps inform me of this before I start to upload the freakin’ video in the first place?! Perhaps a little feature that just says “You can’t upload 15 minute or more videos yet…find out how to here” or something along those lines?! 

I don’t really know why I’m doing this. Mainly because I feel like my vlogging channel just went down the pooper scoop after almost vlogging for an entire year and getting only 40 subscribers most of which are just friends. It’s not that I’m not grateful for my friends support it’s more that I’m annoyed that I wasn’t able to make something that people like. For some reason then this has prompted me to move onto the wonderful world of gaming and of course how has Kieran decided to do this but with another YouTube channel because well, he is determined to become famous for something on there it seems and he doesn’t quite want to go out and get a proper job.

So that has been annoying me recently because I am now incredibly scared that what i’m going to do will be a waste of time and that I am stressing myself out with making videos like every other child in his bedroom playing COD and uploading it to the internet. The problem is finding something that is unique and that is something that only I can do or I haven’t seen before. I’ve only seen one thing really and that’s not all that great an idea so it might just be silly but because of this underlying determination I seem to have to make this gaming channel work i’m going to be constantly giving it a shot.

What has been irritating me as well recently is the fact that I am now lacking the motivation to go out and run. It was good at one point, I made myself go out and do it and I did loose weight or well certainly felt like I had and that was good then I stopped because I was claiming that I was getting to busy from uni work and that I didn’t want to go running in the dark because it was “To unsafe”. What was even the point really of me running before. Yeah sure I lost a little weight, my timing never improved or anything :/ I got bored so quickly that I didn’t want to go out and I even got to a point where I was sick of my own music. Why did I ever listen to such things like metal…I still like My Chemical Romance though…

The next thing in the big list of misery is the fact that I am now becoming annoyed with myself because of the fact that I’m transvestite. I don’t like being transvestite more and more recently and it’s not right that someone should be ashamed of what and who they are when it’s such a big part of them. What is annoying me about it is that I can’t seem to do anything right in it. I’m terrible with make up, did it once, looked terrible, gave up again. I have recently brought a corset that was suppose to be my size and I couldn’t get into it either.

It seems like all that has been happening to me in life is that I am getting the hand me downs and the shit ends of life thrown at me and the problems of well just being myself that seems to be wrong. I’ve never been a lucky person I’ve felt. I don’t really know what to do about it. I can’t get a girlfriend because I’m overweight and unattractive, I don’t have any stand out features, I’m not muscly  I’m short, I’m hairy and all of this stuff not only doesn’t work for then attracting females it then makes no sense that my mind suddenly goes: Yeah I like to dress like a girl. What’s the point in that?! The hairiest boy in the world like the dress like a woman….oh yeah and he’s balding as well let’s not forget that one shall we?!

I seem to just be persisting in trying to do things that I just can’t do or that I am just never destined to do.

Seems like all that I’m ever really here for is for other people to just look at me and go “well I’m not him”. I feel like i’ve been dealt just a bad hand for life and I can’t seem to find a way of making it work with what I’ve got :/ I mean well I really do and I want what’s best for myself and in life but it just seems like every time i do and every time i try to do something about it I get knocked down repeatedly and I can’t see a point in continuing now.

I don’t know what to do. Should I just completely change my life? Should I start over? Should I stop being transvestite, start exercising every day regardless of pain, remove all my body hair, wear platform shoes so I can be taller?!

I. JUST. DON’T. KNOW. 

[Kieran Craig Pole]

Thank you so much for your comment Sarah H :) I was having a really just crappy day yesterday and felt like just everything was going wrong. I have cheered up a bit now you'll be glad to here. I think that even though I have doubts I must keep persevering!!! I'm hoping to still find that one little thing one day that just goes to me "Hey, you're quite awesome you know that?" hopefully it'll happen soon :D DFTBA

[Sarah H]

I have heard the phrase "just be yourself" more times than I can count, and a thousand variations on "just follow your dreams."  And they tell you that it's hard work and they tell you that you have to stick with it.  But you don't hear (as often) that there are days like this.  Days where you doubt every decision you make, and sit down and look back on your life and doubt every decision you ever made before.  But it happens to everyone I know.  I was having a day like that many years ago, and made a long self-pitying livejournal post, and a friend left a comment of two words.

"Peach up." 

I don't know why it cheered me up so much, but it did.  And I don't know what the words you're waiting to hear are, but I hope someone says them to you, or you listen to the perfect song, or maybe you'll go on a walk through your neighbourhood and see something in some new way.  Whatever you do, give yourself a little break.